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Showing posts with label My Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Story. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 27, 2020

My Life- The Hummingbird

 From journal Entry 10/26/2020

This morning I went out to my backyard to water the Clover I planted. A hummingbird hovered right in front of me as to say, "Hello." 


Hummingbirds represent inner intelligence, new ideas, and spiritual determination. Small ideas can lead to big results. They remind us not to abandon your smaller dreams. Your ideas are spiritually influenced and will have a quicker time manifesting into the physical world. Hummingbirds represent a shift that is happening on a deeper level that is impacting your core values. As your core values start to shift, your thoughts and ideas that flow to you begin to change.

Hummingbirds energy is a combination of spiritual devotion, mental agility, and physical determination to reach a goal. When these are in harmony, you can create any reality you wish. The hummingbird invites you to look at the bigger picture and see a Divine connection in everything you have done whether positive or negative.


The Divine is always guiding us on our path and giving us loving signs to encourage us as we move through this life. I pay close attention to numbers (111,222,333,1212,etc) and I pay attention to animals, insects, the stars, and the moon to name a few. When I have an encounter with Spirit I feel in that moment that something truly amazing is happening. It is Spirit delivering a message personally to me.

My encounter with the hummingbird seems to be encouraging me to keep working on my new book project. I am working on my first poetry book and want to publish it by the new year.

I also feel that the hummingbird was telling me that my core values are changing. In January it will be four years that I've been a single mom. I always believed I needed a man to be complete and that I couldn't possibly raise my kids on my own. I now understand that's not true at all. In fact, it's empowered me as a woman and has opened me up to be more present as a mom.

And the last message from the hummingbird that speaks to my heart is reminding me to stay balanced in my life. I have been focused on healing and growing as a spiritual being. For the first time I feel comfortable in my own skin. My intuition is sharper than it's ever been. I am starting to feel complete. I am starting to believe that I can have peace. I am realizing that my thoughts are even more powerful than I imagined! I look at the challenges I have gone through in the last four years and what I managed to accomplish for myself; stability, love, laughter, security. I am truly grateful that Spirit has been right there with me every step of the way, guiding me and protecting me. 


Tuesday, December 25, 2018

My Story: The Divorce

   Divorce in my mind was a dirty word.  I grew up with Christian values and therefore never conceived that I would ever go through one. My marriage vows I took to heart, which meant to death do you part. But when your spouse comes to you and says he wants a divorce, you're faced with a new reality. I couldn't force him to do marriage counseling. I couldn't persuade him to stay when he made up his mind he was leaving. 

   I wish I could say it was a good divorce, but it wasn't. I was pushed to my limits emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It would be the greatest spiritual battle of my life. What took place during the last two years was a period of cleansing and clearing. Friends and family that no longer served my soul expansion exited my life. What God was doing was creating space for new people and new opportunities to enter my life.

   I started a new job, which has been very fulfilling.  I've made new friends that are spiritually conscious and live mindfully. I've grown closer to the few friends and family members that did stand by me. I feel like I am on the right path that is going to take me to my desired destination. For the first time in my life, I feel confident in my abilities to accomplish my dreams. I've learned to just keep moving forward and not dwell on the past. 

   Each day I discover a new version of myself. My struggles are shaping me and have given my life meaning. In my pain, I've discovered new stars, explored low valleys, and climbed mountains that I thought were impossible. The power to wake up every day and decide who am I going to be is a gift. The allowing of the unfolding of me is a challenge I am willing to undertake. This miracle of loving myself unconditionally, a grace from God.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

My Story: My First Love

I was 14 when I first thought I had fallen in love. He was a junior in high school and I was a freshman. We met at our church's youth group. I was only allowed to date him through church activities. My mom also allowed him over to the house after Sunday worship.

The memory that stands out for me is a fight we got into one Wednesday night at youth group. Often I'd arrive early and I would look forward to spending the extra time with him. On this particular night, I said something that wounded his ego. He physically attacked me. A friend of his was there and was able to get him to stop. I remember his friend yelled, "Stop! What are you doing?"

Like most nights after our youth group, he would take me home. I had held back the tears the whole evening. As soon as I got out of his car, I remember running down the stairs to the front of the house and crying. My heart was broken.

I did stay with him until I finished my Freshman year and moved to Phoenix. That night changed any doubts of me moving away from him. I didn't want to be with someone that I feared. So it made it easier for me to leave and start a new life.

What got me through my heart break was music. I fell in love with the band Chicago. I listened to their lyrics of love and heartbreak that brought me tears to ease my pain. 
To this day I rely on music as a way to connect with my pain body and for healing. Music effects our mood and our overall well being. Don't underestimate the power of music. It can transform your suffering. Our lives are a symphony strung together with emotional highs and lows. If you could put these moments to musical notes, you would hear the Music of the Spheres.

~Recommend Reading: The Music of The Spheres- Music, Science and The Natural Order of The Universe by Jamie James


Wednesday, December 21, 2016

My Story- The Gift of Friendship

In the early morning of April 24, 2015, my birthday, I had the following dream about my Dear Old Friend:

I was at my best friend's farm from childhood. I am looking for her. I find her and she says she was with her horse. The farm house, the barn, everything vibrated with radiant colors. It put my soul at ease and brought me such joy.

My best friend, Jill, grew up on a farm with pigs, cows, horses, dogs, and cats. As a child I spent a lot of time at the farm. My favorite memories is of us horseback riding. We galloped through open pastures and rode on trails through the woods. 
In the woods, we discovered what seemed to feel like, a secret entrance into the spiritual realm. Where nature and humans harmonize and time slips away. We would ride horses all day exploring every inch of the woods. 
When I left Illinois, at the age of 15, my heart was heavy. She was the one I would miss the most. Her love and passion for horses greatly reflects my old friend's soul- unbridled, wild, and free. Her communion with this sacred animal is extraordinary. 
Looking back, her friendship, was medicine to my soul. Her farm, with all it's beauty and wonders, was my sanctuary. Her bond with horses reminds me of my own true spirit that needs to be kept unleashed and not restrained.

Thank you, my old Friend, for being you!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

My Story- My Righteous Grandmother

My grandma, I called Grandma T from the very beginning. She said that I wasn't able to say Theresa. Growing up I never saw her with a man. My grandfather had passed away before I was born. She remained a widow for 20 years. I felt quite sad that she didn't have anyone, but I now realize that she did- she had Jesus. 

Visiting her home was very humbling. She often had soup on the stove, her bible on the table, and her crochet needles and yarn by her rocking chair. Her house was always cold because she lived on a very tight budget. Any time I left her house she would say to me, "Always remember Jesus loves you."  

Grandma T's Praying Hands
Her Christmas gifts were always something she had made by hand. As a child I did not appreciate her gifts, and often buried them in a drawer and forgot about them completely. Even at the end of her days in a nursing home, she kept her hands busy. She did ceramics and crafted many praying hands. The hands that she gifted me, I still have to this day. They remind me that prayer is important and to trust that Jesus is always with me. I now see my life as a living prayer and do my best to pass on to my children the importance of prayer.

I was 9 years old when my father left. Grandma T took the leading role as a spiritual guide and disciplinary figure. She was a robust woman whom worked most of her life. She was a retired nurse and often there would be a sick or injured neighbor at her house in need of care. I rarely went to the doctor because most of the time I was sent to Grandma T's. Seeing as we were dirt poor (my mom on public aide, food stamps, and disability) we simply could not afford visits to the doctor. 

After retiring, Grandma T worked part-time at her church as the secretary. She also played the piano during Sunday morning services. Her love and dedication to the Lord sent her to prisons where she ministered to inmates about Jesus. Because of her I was in church a lot. I memorized the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:1-17), The Beatitudes (Matthew 5), and The Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13) at a young age. To this day, I rely on these passages when I am scared, in need of protection, or reassurance. 

My last visit with my grandmother was in the nursing home. She absolutely glowed when she saw my face. She said I had turned out to be a fine, beautiful young woman. That meant a lot to me. In the end, she was the foundation for my spiritual discipline and her faith in the Lord became my pillar that got me through some of the hardest times in my life. In my eyes, she was a saint. She helped the less fortunate, preached to the nonbelievers, and loved Jesus more than anyone I've ever met (except for me).

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

My Story: My Mother, My Hell

My mother, after my parents separated, became very bitter and angry. It was around the age of eight, that things seemed to spiral downwards into a dark abyss. Without my dad there, my grandmother intruded more on our daily lives, dictating everything we did and how we did it. My mother often fought with her as she tried to maintain some control in her own household. Being a single parent with twins was more than she could manage. Feelings of isolation and helplessness only compounded her mental illness.

Sadly, most of my memories of my mother are not good ones. Often I'd be the target of her blood cursing screams. She often would tell me, " I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" Or, "I wish you were never born!"

Those verbal attacks frightened me so. It was as if I could feel the air around me get heavier and evil lurking within it. I got into the habit of locking my bedroom door at night when I went to bed- afraid she would act out her threat.

Mental illness can take many forms. Often children are the victims of a parent's mental illness. Not to my knowledge has my mother ever been treated or diagnosed for bipolarism, and/or schizophrenia. All the signs were there from her rapid changing moods, pacing back and forth, rehearsing conversations out loud, inability to cope with minor problems.

It deeply saddens me that I couldn't do anything to help her. Even though I was just a kid and didn't understand how frightening her reality must of been. As a daughter I still want to make it all better. I feel guilt for never bonding with my mother, but I also feel blessed to have learned such valuable spiritual lessons. 

The harsh environment was a catalyst for my spiritual yearning. Rumi does remind us, "Severity polishes the soul." My soul is still being polished by the harshness of this world. And like Rumi, I liken my body as a guesthouse to all the sorrow, pain, joy, and love that enters it. 

Note to reader~ In my book, Stringing Beads: Making a Beautiful Life Moment by Moment, I recount my parents divorce. 

Monday, May 9, 2016

My Story- Mother's Day

My daughter's artwork, 8 yrs
My children remind me to see the world as a constant play (creation) taking place all around and within. As they create art and act out their own stories, they remind me of my own divinity, my soul, that is pure and innocent- always seeking expression.

My daughter loves to express her thoughts and feelings through art. Often she writes me letters and draws me pictures. She crafts different ideas onto paper of all the things she loves. They become her own unique expressions on her view of the world and all the things in it.

My son is an old soul. In the past he has given me messages in dreams. At the age of six, he was walking with me in a dream. It happened to be my childhood home. As we were walking he said, "The fact you have fortification is the song."
To fortify something is to strengthen it physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. To make strong against attacks.
My son, 12 years

 My son wrote this to me on Mother's Day. It brought me to tears. It reads, "Michelle, loving, caring, supportive. Who enjoys reading, her family, and writing. Who feels the need to read and write. Who wonders if there's more to life than what we realize. Who fears nothing. Who cares about her family and god. Who is able to read and write very good. Who dreams about the future."

Friday, March 18, 2016

My Story- The House That Built Me

My father's dream was to build a underground house. At the age of five we anxiously moved in. Inside there was a fireman's pole that my brother and I used instead of the stairs, a rec room where I'd spend hours rollerskating or dancing, a hallway that connected the bedrooms to the living room that my brother and I would spend our energy chasing each other in circles.

Outside we had trees to climb, woods to explore, two acres to ride our moped, a barn with a secret loft, and a hen house full of cats. We'd spend hours discovering which flowers were edible, catching fireflies in the summertime, sledding in the winter, and staring up at the night sky. It was magical and mystical- God revealing himself in every bird, flower, insect, or creature I'd come across.

The darkness crept in gradually. The night terrors, my mother holding a knife to her throat, and my brother throwing a knife at my head are just a few of the images that would haunt me for years to come.

We grow up in a environment and what we are subjected to becomes an extension of our personality. We develop attachments and responses to what we are exposed to as a child. We never think to analyze these experiences that have given shape to our perception of the world and our present personality. That's why inner work is so important. You must ask questions in order to discover the ego and then you can eliminate it.

Monday, February 15, 2016

My Story: First Memory of Fire

Around the age of 3 or 4, my brother and I were playing with a brown paper bag. There was a fire in our fireplace. My mom was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. All of a sudden, my brother tosses the bag into the fireplace. The bag falls out of the fire onto the carpet. Now the carpet is on fire. I am frozen in fear. My mom immediately puts out the fire.

This memory stands out because of the immediate realization, that my younger self has, that relates fire with danger. I have always had a healthy respect for fire because of this experience. It would take on a whole new meaning for me some 30 years later, as I would come to experience the fire of the Kundalini. In the Bible, the fire is the Holy Spirit (Kundalini).

Fire may burn with joy or anger, it may offer life-giving light and heat or destruction.  The element of fire has great power for forging will and determination. It is our inner light as well as a living symbol of the Divine fire that burns in every soul. It represents our passions, compulsion, creativity, and motivation.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

My First Memory- Spiritual Warfare, Part 2

From Journal Entry 12/8/15

My husband buys a house with a demon in the bedroom closet.  The bedroom is upstairs.  I warn him not to go into that room ever.  I can feel it's power.  I am afraid and do not want to enter that room either.

I had this dream at the time when I was reflecting on my first memory. The demon represents my fears, repressed feelings and emotions. The closet represents an unveiling of previously hidden aspects of myself.

It is important to know how to armor yourself against demons in the dream world.  Since this dream, I have taken a conscious role to always pray when I find myself awake in the astral world and confronted with an evil presence. The prayer that I grew up with and now recite is The Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13). What ever your faith or religion is, memorize a prayer that works for you to use as a spiritual defense against evil. 

Also, most recently in a dream, I found myself confronted again with a man whom was going to shot me.  This time I repeatedly told him I love you, I love you.  He walked away from me weeping. Only love dissolves the darkness.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

My First Memory- Activation of the Pain Body, Part 1

My very first memory is when I was two years old.  I was at the park with my mom, brother, and grandparents.  We are having a picnic.  I go to sit down at the picnic table and I sit on a bee. I scream and cry.  My grandma begins yelling.  The adults all are arguing.  We leave.

It's not the bee sting that is of importance here, it is what happens next.  My grandma's negative reaction to the situation.  It would be the beginning of my deep emotional wounds.  
My grandmother had a great impact on my pain body.  She was cold, unloving, and manipulated everyone around her. She controlled everything and everyone in my life, so it seemed. 
Reflection on my grandmother, now I realize, that her rigidness and maliciousness aided my soul. It was a lack of love and acceptance that led me to seeking love within. From an early age I wanted a way out of suffering.

Eckhart Tolle explains it best.  The pain-body is the accumulation of old emotional pain that people carry in their energy field.  It consists of negative emotions, that are stored up in the cells of the body when not dealt with.  It feeds on negative thinking and negative experiences such as drama in relationships.
To eliminate the pain-body you have to cut the link between the pain-body and your thought processes, so we no longer feed the pain-body with our thinking.  The disidentification from the emotion and just being in the now moment is the way to stop the cycle of recreating negative experiences.  By bringing awareness to the emotion transmutes the old emotion into consciousness in the same way a fire transmutes everything into itself.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

My Story- The Bull

I was born in April, the year 1975.  My mother carried two babies in her womb.  I came out first.  My father says that when he held me in his arms for the first time, I was limp and didn't cry.  My brother, on the other hand, came out wailing. My father's trade was a carpenter and a photographer,  my mother a homemaker. Both were of the Christian faith.

I was born under the sign of Taurus. The bull's positive qualities are strength of purpose, patience, steadfastness, practical, stable, and conviction. The bull's negative qualities are stubbornness, possessive, and uncompromising.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Remembering, Reliving, Releasing

Upon taking a dear friend's advice, I am going to share with you, my reader, my life, from the very beginning to now.  As I am sharing my life, it will also be a time of reflection for me.  This will be painful at times, I believe that I am in a place now in my spiritual journey to explore deeper parts of my being that have remained buried. I'm calling this process- Remembering, Reliving, and Releasing.

With every memory I will ask myself, Who is thinking? Who is feeling? Who is acting? I hope a new perspective will emerge out of my observation of self.  As this happens, I then hope to view all of my past experiences in a new light and release them.

I want to go beyond the barriers that my adolescent mind has built, and tear them down completely. I hope through my vulnerability and courage, that you to will gain the courage to reflect on your own self and heal your wounds. 

"...birth is suffering, old age is suffering, illness is suffering, death is suffering.  Union with uunpleasant things is suffering, separation from pleasant things is suffering, not obtaining what we wish is suffering, in short the fivefold clinging to existence is suffering..."  Buddha

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My Story

The story of my life stalks me. It begs me to write it, breathe it, feel it, move with it. It gives birth to images-daydreams of my being. My essence moves in the space of silence. Its creator me. Its music plays in my heart- a kaleidoscope of emotions from recklessness to passion shadow me. I can not measure its degree. They take hold of me and keep me captive. They wait til I pick up the pen and then they release their fury.