Thinking Out Loud

 

these days i'm loud

you'll know exactly
what i think of you
ten years ago
you would of gotten
the watered down version
of myself
but meeting assholes
taught me
i don't have time
for this shit

 

Life As A Twin Flame: The Open Door

 

The Fall of 1999

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I heard a knock on my door and when I opened it my heart fluttered with a million butterflies and I fell into you. It felt like a long-lost lover had finally returned home. You caught me off guard when my defenses were down. You said you were there to pick up your moped. You said you use to live in this house. How strange our paths crossed at a moment when I was living with your friend and unknowing to me your girlfriend was in the car waiting for you. You said you were in town for the Monet exhibit. That day changed my life. I didn't know it then but my heart chakra was blown wide open and I experienced myself as a multidimensional being. Soon after that, the dreams of you came. To this day your soul still finds me when I'm sleeping, somewhere between this world and the next.

my biggest regret all these years is never telling you how i feel about you.

i let my fear silence me.

i was too young back then to have the courage to speak my truth.

i regret leaving things as i did with you.

maybe things would be different for us both if only i came to you first.

i never took into consideration how my writing would impact your life and cause ripples in their wake.

i apologize for not being sensitive to how my words would change your life.

i feel the choices i made only made things harder on you- your marriage and friendships.

i accept your silence; whereas it's been what i've struggled with most.

i've grown in ways i never imagined. 

please know i have restored peace in my life.

that where i'm at has only felt possible because of you.

i will always be grateful for your invisible love and strength.

of course, i have to keep going and finish writing the rest of my story.

i don't know how to write our end.

maybe this is it.

maybe it's not.

the ending is up to you and my door always open to you.

it is my sincere hope that one day you will tell me your truth.

even if you think it would be hard for me to hear, i still want the truth.

how does the saying go?

the truth shall set you free.

i think it would set us both free!

The Cleansing Storm

 

floating in her wake

was every moment

good and bad

mixed with pleasure and pain

she was the storm

moving through and past

each life moment

with force

leaving nothing unchanged

A Mother's Truth

 Dear Daughter,  

The day will come when you will be grown and our days of binge watching Grey's Anatomy will be over. I won't be there to smell your little head and squeeze you tight. You will be off living your life and searching in another soul ways to be loved. And I hope that what you have learned from me is to love yourself first. If you can do that,  you'll be able to heal your wounds when the world feels cruel. You'll be able to attract a man who can nurture, foster, and protect you as you journey on your road. I wish I could tell you that you'll get everything your heart desires, but God doesn't work that way. He's not a genie in a bottle granting your every command. He will guide you if you let Him. He'll meet you wherever you are. And I promise you He'll give you what you need. You may not see it that way at the time. And that's okay. Just know you can always reach out to me and I will be there for you. My life hasn't been easy so I want you to know everything I've learned and be equipped with the tools I have acquired. Always love yourself deep and hard.  Always trust your intuition. Always know I love you unconditionally. Always know you have a safe home to return to when life becomes to hard and a mom that can handle any crisis that life throws at you. I love you. Never forget! XXOO MOM

Let It Be What It Is

 

Let go of that which is gone.

Let go of that which is lost.

Let go of that which is not yet happening.

What has happened in the past and what will happen in the future exist only in your mind.

What is happening now is the infinite caress of the universe.

To touch the eternal now and let it enfold you in its infinite love.

What is happening now is the perfect outcome of all you have been, and all you have done.

It is all here to teach you.

It is all here to love you.

It is all here to liberate you.

And it is all perfect.

Release that which is going out.

Embrace that which is coming in.

Leave alone that which has not yet come.

Want nothing, and embrace everything.

Relax into what is, and what is will take care of you.

Let it be what it is.

~Yogi Amrit Desai

Why He Can't Say What Needs To Be Said

sometimes when a man

acts like he doesn't care

he actually does

he just may not be

emotionally equipped

to handle

a confrontation with you

so he hides

holds back his feelings for you

until he's matured enough

to say what he feels

without feeling vulnerable 

and doubting his own heart

exposing himself (in his eyes)

naked to you

The Twin Flame Journey: The Pain

 

The pain of not being together:

This seems to be the hardest fact to accept initially, you ask yourself, others, God about the reason you felt this deep love in the first place when it was not meant to be. You lose faith in God, you lose faith in fairness, your love gets mixed with bitterness of pain, you start blaming everything around you, but you blame yourself the most. With time you come in terms with acceptance as you get tired of not being able to accept, you go along with life's inevitable flow, and you let things happen, but that pull within you never truly goes away. You realise your love was not here to leave your existence any time soon, you sense the divinity of it even though you may not know anything about spirituality, you realise the purity hidden in the pain of being separate, you feel the pain of being separated from yourself. And this is how you allow the triggers coming from your twin flame to show you your shadows, because if you were done with the love, you'd never truly care about what your person is showing you about yourself, and this is where that “going within" phase starts profoundly.

 The pain of facing your shadows:

With every reunion you find out your deeper layers, your darker shadows. Every interaction with your twin flame brings out the expectation, judgement, attachment, abandonment etc, and when you're dealing with this, this seems to be most painful at this time, even though you've already sort of accepted that you might not be able to be with your twin physically. That acceptance doesn't truly wash off the deeper shadows within you, and there are much much inner work to be done other than just coming in terms with this acceptance. Every reunion feels like a new hope, with that comes up deeper layers of needs. However, with every next reunion and separation phase, its noticeable that you slowly understand what really is like to not expect even the smallest of things (eg. Birthday wish) from your twin flame, so you slowly heal the wound which was created due to lack of attention and affection from parents or other elders in childhood. And I just said about expectations, but this way, with every next phase, you notice yourself letting go every need that had once made you feel miserable without it. There are many layers of a single shadow, the more you progress, the deeper you get, the harder it seems, but the more you heal, the more you get close to uniting with yourself. With every phase, that acceptance, that surrendering, becomes stronger, as you shed your earthly layers and start understanding this journey and its motive, with that your belief in union gets stronger, but you lose that earthly picture of union, you believe in the divine definition of union.

 The pain of losing things in life:

Now, there's something more than just dealing with your twin flame. After the twin flame encounter, life is never truly the same again, because you're not the same again. The parts that are undesirable within you starts crumpling down, with that the surrounding with which you can not resonate anymore starts falling down. When you notice this happening again and again, in every aspect of your life that you once proudly claimed (friends, family, relationships, marriage, job, studies, position in society, reputation, your belief system) rapidly breaking down into ashes, this again seems to be extremely painful. This is a time when you feel like you're cursed, that everything is going wrong, that it's not about just not being with your beloved anymore, that altogether this life has become pathetic. However, after awakening you start progressing in a different path, and you understand that only things that weren't resonating with you had left you, and that you can now start with things or people that resonate with you. With that it also dawns on you that your twin flame never really left you, you both came across at times, you felt connected to them, you understand this is not something that's supposed to leave you. Eventually you will stumble upon people who had similar experiences as yours, who could feel compassionate towards you, who would not judge you for how you explain your experience. You start hearing your inner guidance towards life goals and decisions without worrying about other's expectations or thoughts. As you connect every incident in your life and realise how it has led you to do what you came here to do, your focus on that earthly definition of union fades more and more, you become more focused on your purpose, your power of surrendering becomes stronger than ever, and you eventually unite with yourself.

 Overall this journey is painful, but worth experience, as the pain always leads to a divine peace, it leads to you. Throughout this journey, your twin flame's love keeps you strong, though you're already born very strong. Thanks to the energetic connection between twins, the dreams, telepathy, the feeling of having your twin within you, all signs and synchronicity …every such thing keeps your faith on love, on this connection. Eventually you loose your grip on aspects of yourself that once leaves your being, you become authentic, you get close to God, you believe in divine union. Your twin flame also does show up at times in life and opens up to you about their love for you, and you feel more compassionate to them as you understand their pain as well. And when the thought finally dawns on you….that your twin flame is your spiritual partner, and you both are in this journey together….I think that's when no such obstacle seems like obstacles.

Reference ~ Tapasi On the Twin Flame Journey - Quora