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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dream of My Husband's Affair

From Journal Entry 1/18/2007

I'm covered in tattoos.  I'm looking at my tattoos in the mirror.  Then I'm lying in bed next to my husband.  I experience a full body orgasm.  Then we're in jail with a blond girl.  She wants out of jail.  She tells my husband she loves him and wants to marry.  I get the feeling she wants rescued.  We leave her in jail.

I asked my husband if he was having an affair.  He lied and said no.  The woman in the dream was a client he had done work for. She was a blond with tattoos. 
Later I found out that the affair started four months before I had the dream.  It lasted for almost a year.  I became pregnant with our second child shortly after I had the dream.  The lies kept piling up and I became deeply depressed. 
I feared losing my baby because of all the stress.  I didn't know if I was going to be alone raising two children.  All I could do to get through my pregnancy was walk in my yard, pray, and cry.  I felt I was living in hell.  I didn't want to burden family and friends with my crisis, so I turned to God.  I prayed he would give me strength to get through it and I prayed for my marriage to be saved.
I then had to see my own fault and role that I played at my failing marriage. In a single night spent talking with my husband, we got to the root of who we were as individuals.  We 'dumped' all our feelings, secrets, and thoughts out on each other.  As hard as it was to hear the truth, we both felt we finally had something real to rebuild our marriage.
It's not an easy thing to hear your husband say he loves another woman. He said he also loved me and that there was enough love in his heart to love two women.  There was a ring of truth in his words, but the love he had with this other woman was built on a bed of lies.
God did restore our marriage.  I know my husband genuinely loves me and does so unconditionally.  The worst thing that happened to me, turned out to be a true blessing.  My relationship with God deepened and I found myself.

When we spend time getting to know God, we discover who he is and what he wants for our lives- and his plans are far better than any we could dream for ourselves.~ Denise Jackson

Proverb 8:11  Seek wisdom everyday.  Make right choices and you won't live with regrets.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

God's Vast Landscape

All that God is; is contained within my heart.  Tides of joy wash over me there.  The sun never sets. To perceive God's vast landscape; one needs to become blind.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Your Voice

The voice of a thousand angels can't soothe me in the way of your voice.  My love and affection pour out of me; in hopes you will reply and I can hear your voice.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My Conversations with God- The Poor Hearts

Child, you can never grow old of this pain.  It sustains your being.  Your longings and needings are tied up in it.  How could a servant ever want anything more?  Everything dies in the physical world; everything but the Light of Heaven.  One is blinded to my existence if one does not need me.  Blessed are the ones who suffer like you do.  Their treasure is within their poor hearts.  No king of his own house will ever uncover my treasure until he gives all his treasure away.


Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Five Kinds of Thoughts

1. The thought that is from God.  The sign of that thought is that it enters the heart spontaneously, and one should not deny that thought.
2. The thought from the heart.
3. The thought from the angel.  These two are close to each other.  You will know the difference from the situation.
4. The thought from the carnal soul.  When the carnal soul desires something and does not get it, it continues to desire it.  Conflict appears.
5. The thought from Satan.  Satan commands you to commit sin and misleads you.

You experience a nearness to God with the thought that is from God, the heart, or an angel.  The carnal soul and Satan avoid nearness.  They incline towards worldly vanities and passionate desires.  Doubt and deception enter.  They are in conflict with God.

Reference~ Teachings of Sufism, Carl Ernst

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Old Hag, Part 2

From the Summer of 1998

I feel a presence in my room.  It feels familiar.  I think to myself it has found me.  I am terrified.  I have the distinct feeling that it is going to harm me.  I am paralyzed unable to move or speak.  I tell God I need him.  I surrender. I give my will over to God. It then enters my body.  Moments later I see it near my ceiling as a ball of light.  Then it implodes on itself.  I know it is over.

This encounter differs from my childhood experiences with the Old Hag. It has changed into a sexual encounter that at first its presence is evil; and then leaves as a light of love. 
Sexual encounters with "supernaturals" are referred to as an incubus.  Incubus means an explicitly erotic experience with a demon. It is my belief that it was the Old Hag.  With my faith in God; the evil dissolved and changed into a light of love.  I knew when it was over that I would never be visited again by the Old Hag.

I am the one who is not and God is the one who is.  Exodus 3:14

Reference~The Terror That Comes In The Night, David Hufford

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Astral Projection- Angel & Dragon

From Journal Entry 4/2/2002

I looked up in the sky after arriving at Grandma Theresa's house.  I saw two constellations.  One was a dragon and the other an angel.  The dragon was breathing fire on the angel.

There are three kinds of creatures- first angels.  Angels are pure intelligence.  Their nature and their nourishment are worship, service, and perpetual remembrance of God.  They eat and live by these exactly like fish live and by water.  They have no desire, so they have no need to struggle against it.  Obedience is their essence.
Then there are animals.  They are pure desire, desire in its naked state. 
Then comes humankind- that strange hybrid of intelligence and desire.  Man is half-beast, half-angel.  The fish in man attracts him toward the shining water; the serpent in him drags him toward the earth.
The angel is always saved by knowledge; the animal by its unadorned ignorance.  Man is between them, struggling, suffering, aspiring, falling, confused, desperate, ambiguous.

"He whose intelligence conquers his desires is higher than the angels; he whose desire overwhelms his intelligence sinks lower than any animal."

Reference~ Light Upon Light Inspirations from Rumi, Andrew Harvey