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Sunday, December 31, 2017

The Death of Me

this love
can never die
it is permanently
written down
but i will die
of a broken heart
because you
never wrote back

Thursday, December 28, 2017

I Shall Be What You Can't Imagine

imagine me in a position of power and influence. imagine me accomplishing all of my dreams that i said i would accomplish. imagine me better off without you in my life. imagine the look on your face when you realize my self worth. imagine the satisfaction i will feel when you realize your own error. imagine my words being shared with millions. imagine your role in my story casting you as the villain for the whole world to remember. imagine every harsh word, look, and act from you being the catalyst for everything that i shall be that you can't imagine.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Float Away

Oh, Beloved, you come
to me completely naked
and whisper in my ear
your deepest fear
I looked into your eyes
and held you to me
your eyes reflecting in them
an island in the distance
I join you there
and together
we float away

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Rupi Kaur- Made Heavy

you tell me to quiet down cause
my opinions make me less beautiful
but i was not made with a fire
in my belly
so i could be put out
i was not made with a lightness
on my tongue
so i could be easy to swallow
i was made heavy
half blade and half silk
difficult to forget
and not easy
for the mind to follow

Reference~ Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Sapphire's Letter To Arion: Let the Assassin In


To ache for you Beloved is the same as aching for God. Yearning for you has become my obsession. I have immortalized you in my poetry Beloved because my grief is unbearable. I also desire to touch, as closely as I can, the bliss I felt in your immortal soul's embrace. Do you think Darling that the ache that burns in me, that my readers will recognize the same ache that burns inside of them?

How long, my Love, have you waited to hear my words on your longing ears? How long have I waited Darling to look again into your eyes and see the ocean?

There comes a time when a person decides to become real. Friends will fall away and even family members become strangers. God has been calling to me, whispering to my heart, "Let the assassin in. Love wants to execute you, transform you from the inside out. You will lose yourself and you will find yourself. The beloved wants to join with your soul now, not after you die."

Everyday Beloved we sin, but tomorrow God could turn our sin into bliss. Does not everything that happens to us, move us closer to God? All is well my Love, all is well.

Your Darling

Thursday, December 14, 2017


I'm very curious...
I'm curious about these little bugs
that are crawling up my wall.
Where do they come from?

I'm curious as to why
it's still very hot in Phoenix
and it's almost November.

I'm curious as to what 
my kids think about
throughout their day
and who they will 
turn out to be.

I'm curious what plans
God has for me after divorce.

I'm curious about why
time feels like it's speeding up.

I'm curious how all of a sudden
my face has brown spots that
seemed to appear over night.

I'm curious as to why
he even married me
and desperately wanted
out of our marriage.

I'm curious as to how
I hate him and miss him
both at the same time.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Resting Bitch Face

My bent thoughts 
have permanently disfigured my face
My broken heart
is reflected in my eyes
Written all over
my face is BITCH!

It took millions of years
for water to carve out the Grand Canyon
It only took one year of bitter tasting tears
to carve out a resting bitch face on mine

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Live The Questions

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.
Don't search for the answers, for they could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it; live your way into the answer. 

Reference~ Rainer Marie Rilke

Monday, December 4, 2017


Yes, I am waiting for you and while I sit here and wait...
I am reading a book,
doing yoga,
looking up at the moon,
indulging in a bowl of ice cream,
writing my next book,
cleaning my house,
going to counseling,
netflixing Grey's Anatomy,
listening to Dido, Christine Perri, Ed Sheeran-
over and over again.
And in this space of waiting,
I am making room for you.

Monday, November 27, 2017

My Inner Child Healing Meditation

 From Journal Entry 11/11/17

I have been spending a lot of my time on healing my heart. When my husband left in January I felt abandoned. It brought up memories from my childhood of when my father left. I've been dedicated to this process of healing and decided to try a Inner Child Healing Meditation. It ended up being one of the best and most healing experiences I have ever had. The guided meditation I found on Youtube. Below there is a link to the video.

The Meditation:

I laid in my bed with one hand on my Solar Plexus chakra and the other on my Heart chakra. I focused on my breath: intake 4 counts, out 4 counts. The guided meditation led to the experience of me observing my Inner Child being cradled in my father's arms. I could feel how safe and loved the little girl felt.

I cried for her. She felt loved and protected by her father. Then suddenly, she felt fear and abandoned when he left her. I approached my Inner Child as my adult self and comforted her. I told her Oompa did not abandon her, he very much was in her life and loved her very much. I reminded her she was not alone and there's nothing to be afraid of. That there are plenty of people in her life that love her and care about her. I told her how brave and strong she is.

This experience helped me reshape that event in my life and gave me perspective on my own feelings of abandonment that I am going through right now. It gave me much needed healing and reminded me that my dad will always be there for me.

Link to meditation:

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Sapphire's Letter To Arion: A New Name


I am seeking a new name for you and I. A word that does not keep us split apart like two halves of a disk moon. When the moon appears half full, her other half is half empty. But this is not so to the moon. She is a whole disk and thinking of her as only a half is a lie!

Beloved, I walk in your shadow. I feel you in this body. You speak intimately to my heart. How can this be?! Any description of you and I fails to articulate your presence in me.

What I possess and what I have gained by knowing you exceeds any treasure of the richest king on earth! For Darling, I possess the companion of my soul that will accompany me even after death. What more can a girl ask for?

P.S.  Even if you came to me in your drunken state, I wouldn't want you to leave. I'd ask you to stay.

All of my Affection,

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Transcendental Consciousness: 7th Chakra Awakening

Those who attain states of transcendental consciousness seldom discuss these experiences, since the audience of those who can comprehend them is small. Sri Aurobindo offers these words:

[Such] spiritual consciousness is all light, peace, power, bliss. If one can live...partly in it or keep himself constantly open to it, he [or she] receives enough of this spiritual light and strength and happiness to carry him securely through all the shocks of life. What one gains by opening to this spiritual consciousness depends on what one seeks from it: if it is peace, one gets peace; if it is light or knowledge, one lives in a great light and receives a knowledge deeper and truer than any the normal mind can acquire; if it is strength or power, he gets a spiritual strength for the inner life or Yogic power to govern the outer work and action; if it is happiness, he enters into a beatitude for greater than and joy or happiness that the ordinary human life can give.

No accepted vocabulary exists for most of the states and phenomena that can be experienced within transcendental consciousness. It is a realm beyond words. And even if we had such words, they would be like the shadows on the wall of Plato's cave compared to the realities they would represent.

Seventh Chakra Possibilities 

Draws on universal life force
Finds beauty in everyone & everything
Feels one with all people & beings
Has purified mind & senses
Feels cradled & guided by divine spirit 

Reference~ Victor Daniels 

Monday, November 13, 2017

A Talk With God

A conversation with God will go something like this:

God: What have you done with the life I gave you?
Reply: I am ashamed to say very little.

God: What have you done with your mind?
Reply: I am ashamed to say I filled it with nonsense and worldly things.

God: What have you done with your sight?
Reply: I am ashamed to say my eyes looked upon perversion and wickedness.

God: What did you do with your hands?
Reply: I am ashamed to say for greed and theft.

God: Where did your feet travel that I gave you?
Reply: I am ashamed to say they stumbled around in taverns where I surrounded myself with lewdness.

God: What did you use your speech for?
Reply: I am ashamed to say Lord I used it to curse your name.

Your life is a preparation for your wedding with Eternity. How you use your life that He gave you will determine your lot in the next life. Wisely seek Him, know Him, and serve Him.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Hiding Away

Here I sit,
hiding away from love.
I fear that if love finds me
he will see my brokenness,
he will see through me
and know my pain.
He will want to fix me.
He will know I am in deep despair,
and I won't be able to mask it.
So I am hiding out,
in my safe place-
Where I can be a damn train wreck!
And I don't give a damn that I am broken.
I'm a hot, beautiful mess and that's okay.

Monday, November 6, 2017

The Spirit of Jezebel: The Narcissist, Part 2

How To Identify A Jezebel Spirit (Narcissist):

1.  Refuses to admit wrong doing. To accept responsibility would violate the core of insecurity and pride from which it operates.

2.  Takes credit for everything.

3.  Uses people to accomplish her/his agenda. Let's others do her/his dirty work. The Jezebel gets another's emotions stirred up, than lets that person go into a rage.

4.  Withholds information. The Jezebel spirit is a form of witchcraft. The Jezebel loves to control other people.

5.  Jezebel is threatened by prophetic ministry. Reason being someone with a prophetic gift will be able to identify the Jezebel spirit and will attack it.

6.  Volunteers for anything. Does projects for recognition. Her/his motives is never pure.

7.  Lies. A person with a Jezebel spirit will lie even when they don't have to and are hard to detect. She/he can make you believe anything she/he wants to through manipulation.

8.  Ignores people. They will ignore you when they disagree with you.

9.  Never gives credit or gives gratitude. She/he cannot acknowledge or go out of her/his way when someone has done something right.

10. Criticizes everyone. Characteristic of a controller. She/he has to be the one that looks good.

11. One "up"menship. Jezebel feels threatened by anyone who steals the lime light or to anyone whom is a threat to her/his power or control.

12. Spiritualizes everything. Explaining it off as God. This prevents her/him from owning up to responsibility required of her. The implication is always, "You've got a problem, I don't."

13. Insubordinate. Her/his main desire is for control and power in work and in relationships.

14. Is pushy and domineering. A person with a Jezebel spirit pressures you to do things.

15. Uses the element of surprise. Likes to catch you off guard, feels a sense of control by doing so.

16. Sows seeds of discord. It is common for her/him to tell half-truths to implicate another person in your eyes. Will also isolate you from your family and friends.

17. Commands attention. When someone else is recognized, she/he will quickly undermine the person's accomplishments verbally.

18. Vengeful. If you contradict or confront one, get ready to become her/his worst enemy. You are target of her/his fiercest venom. A Jezebel will stop at nothing to destroy your reputation.

19. Attempts to make you look like the Jezebel. If the person is confronted, she/he will skillfully twist the entire situation, trying to make the innocent person look like the one who is attempting to control.

20. Insinuates disapproval. A Jezebel will often imply disapproval to those under her/his control. The controlled person feels no freedom to express an opinion.

21. Knows it all. Quick to express her/his opinion in any area.

22. Ambitious all for self. The Jezebel has strong desire but all for self.

23. Gift giving. Loves to give gifts as a form of control as the Jezebel uses gifts to make you feel obligated to her/him.

24. Independent. No one has the right to tell her/him what to do.

25. Religious. She/he will behave like she/he is holy or a Christian, but they are not.

26. Hides. The person may seem normal for a period, exhibiting none of these classic traits. Then suddenly without warning a situation will arise, once again with the spirit of Jezebel taking control and wreaking havoc over lives.

Reference~Lyn Leahz Ministries

Thursday, November 2, 2017

The Spirit of Jezebel- Part 1

The following is from Lyn Leahz Ministries. In her research she shows the similarity in symptoms  of the Jezebel spirit to a NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) type. You can listen to her full commentary on the youtube link below.

Jezebel was a she devil, a heartless woman. The spirit of Jezebel disguises itself as a good person, but is a very evil person. Jezebel was a heathen woman that married Ahab, the king of Israel.(1 Kings 16:31) Ahab was fascinated by her beauty and forcefulness of character, and fell for her. Ahab went and erected an alter for Baal, worshipping and serving Baal. Jezebel was ambitious and proud, eagerly she seized the opportunity to share the throne of a king. By doing so, Jezebel seduced God's king of Israel with her beauty, wittiness, and charm. Spiritual and moral disintegration was brought on by Jezebel's determination and effort to destroy the worship of Jehovah.

Jezebel possessed an extraordinary force of character. She was a ardent adulterer, a dominating wife, a corrupt tree, a treacherous schemer, and she loved personal adornment. She died a horrible death. She fell out of a window and was eaten by dogs.

The spirit of Jezebel is very active in the world and is destroying lives. This spirit has been responsible for tearing down many churches, pastors, people with prophetic ministries, and is responsible for breaking up many marriages, friendships, companies; along with getting people to commit murder and suicide. It is a very dangerous, evil, wicked spirit. (1 Kings 18:4-19)

Reference~ Bible Gateway & Lyn Leahz Ministries

Thursday, October 26, 2017

A Thousand Yous

Here I am...Alone.
I greet myself, "Hello Alone how are you?"

"I have to insist that you be quiet!" I demand. "After all I am alone."

No talk. No interruptions. No noise. No worries.

Aloneness can crack open the core of you. If you can't stand to be alone, than how can you expect anyone else to be alone with you?

Meet yourself first. The world is turning inside of you a thousand yous.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

My Letter To Jesus: I Want to Hug You


Next time I see you in my dreams I want to hug you. You have always come to me in my time of need. You remind me that I'm not forgotten and you are always there by my side.

I've lost hope in this world. You remind me that you're my hope and salvation. On my good days I can see the end of my suffering within reach. On my bad days I put myself together in spite of my crushed spirit and put one foot forward to accomplish the day's tasks. I remind myself that this life is temporary and my resurrection body I will put on one day.

And when that day comes I will fly with God speed into your arms and give you the biggest hug ever! For now Lord, be my strength so I can face my challenges and give me your power to overcome my enemies.



Saturday, October 14, 2017


I expected you to love me unconditionally, wholeheartedly.
I expected you to share my burdens and carry my cross with me.
I expected you to put God and family first above your own needs.
I expected you to keep your promises that you made to me.
I expected you to not give up on us, to give 110% no matter what.
I expected you to believe in me and in my dreams.
I expected you to be loyal and committed to only me.
I expected too much.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017


I found your wedding band today
You never did wear it
Seeing it sit there
says volumes

A deep inner sigh
fills my heart
I hold it for the last time

I place the ring
back where I found it
After fifteen years
what's the point of moving it now

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

The Trimmings of God

To hell with trickery and lies! Those are devices for the fool to keep him entangled in the affairs of this world.
God gives us trials and tribulations to trim off the excess in our lives; cutting out all the things unbefitting to our soul.
Some people just cause us pain in our lives and then we spend too much time mending our hearts. God doesn't want us to waste our time in this fashion on fools.
Engage with those that bring you pleasure. May the sweet sorrows that they bring to your heart be the sorrows of love with all its trimmings.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

God's Tatoos

Yes, God created the world and everything in it. He started with a blank canvas and designed stars and drew them in the sky. He then sprinkled the landscape with a variety of colors in flowers that gave expression to His essence.

His handiwork is everywhere. It's like he dipped His hand in an endless ink well and went crazy like a deranged artist. God's tattoos visible everywhere.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017


Alchemy is a path to a deep understanding of the laws at work in the Cosmos as well as within the student. The laws can be boiled down to a single statement, Dissolve and Recombine or Take Apart, Purify, and Re-assemble.

All things are born, all things grow, all things die, and from death, new life arises. It is by this continuous cycle that Nature achieves Her work. In death, the old life is renewed and given fresh clothing. Death is therefore the key to life, and not it's ending.


Sunday, September 24, 2017

Any Measure You Like

Beloved, I know you have the power to make my sadness die. Take any measure you deem necessary: beat it out of me, throw me in an icy cold river, starve me.

What ever it takes!

Don't leave until every trace of hopelessness, grief, and self pity are gone.

Thursday, September 21, 2017


For over a month now I have seen the numbers 11:11. It wasn't in my awareness to be looking for these numbers, and it became a trigger of some sort. When I first noticed the numbers I thought maybe the Universe is trying to give me a message. So I looked into the meaning behind 11:11. My hair stood up on end and I definitely got the feeling that NOW is the time to pay attention!

I see the numbers everywhere: on the television, on clocks, even saw 11:11 on a t-shirt. The last time I saw 11:11 was when I was watching a Youtube video and the woman in the video had the tattoo 11:11. I will forget about 11:11 and that's when all of a sudden I see the numbers again. I have always tried to live in the NOW and feel that when you are PRESENT that that is when synchronicities occur. It's like your receiving a message from the Divine directly. It's amazing!

Meaning of 11:11

11:11 is associated with a wake up code, a key to unlock the subconscious mind, our genetic encoded memories. We are spirits having a physical experience. Angels communicate through sequence of numbers. There is a gate of opportunity opening up and your thoughts are manifesting into form at record speed. 11:11 carries psychic vibrations and equal balance of masculine and feminine properties.


Monday, September 18, 2017

Sweet Talk

We could be sweet with each other. Talk about our lives, our dreams, our troubles.

When I hear a good song that reminds me of you, my insides glow.

There is the Friend that enriches your life and waters your soul. His eyes alone make God's invisible world visible.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

The Mood of the Moon

Last night I looked up at the moon. She was hanging low in the sky- big, but I only saw one half of her. She was orange like a pumpkin.

I wondered if she thinks only a portion of herself is present? Or is she aware that the other half of her is with her just invisible to the naked eye?

Her color was loud as to say, "Look at me world!"

She had a message for me, I could read it in her mood. I stared at her for a minute and great joy filled my heart.

Who knew the moon has moods.

Monday, September 11, 2017

The Strings of My Sadness

I am like a puppet to my sadness. In His hands he holds the strings. Sometimes he tugs hard and I wail in pain. Other times it's a gentle nudge and I find myself a quiet place to weep.

Once He jerked me about all at once. My mind began flooding with the promises you made and how you broke them all. I went outside and picked up the first thing I saw, a piece of wood. I then threw it with all my might at the block wall and raised my head to the full moon. I cursed your name and shouted, "Fuck You Mother Fucker!"

Tears of beautiful release came pouring out.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Sapphire's Letter To Arion: Fill My Cup


I keep holding on to the many images of you Darling. They help me get through my day. I had a dream you were here with me. You came up from behind me and wrapped your arms around me. I never felt so much solace and peace in my life. I felt safe in your embrace.

Oh how I wish it wasn't a dream! How I wish you were more than just a phantom. But how I do draw strength from your phantom!

You Darling are a mystery to me. If I could solve your mystery, there would be no more mysteries to solve. You are a fountainhead that contains all of God's secrets. If I bring you my cup will you fill it for me?

All of My Affection,

Sunday, September 3, 2017

My Conversations With God: The Darkness Will Pass

Let the goodness come My Daughter. Sit be silent in the pain. Fret not. Your days are long now and feel like eternity sheathed in darkness. The darkness will pass. There is much work being done on the inside. This is necessary. Be patient and wait for my instruction. You will hear my voice and know it is me. And when you do, you will understand your suffering.

I am preparing you, take courage. Your day will come when those whom have tried to silence you will fall to their knees.

I give. You just need to receive. Open your hands, turn your eyes towards me. I come to you when you least expect it. Have faith. Show mercy to those whom have betrayed you. Your struggles are coming to an end, their struggles are just beginning.

Pray for them. And live your life in such a way that every moment is act of grace. Always remember I love you. ~God


Thursday, August 31, 2017

Words of Wisdom- Ziad

Don't be afraid to make people mad. Your honesty will inspire true followers.

I learned over the years never to correct a fool or he will hate you, correct a wise man, and he will appreciate you.

One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing to walk away or try harder.

Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one of those is the lose of all three.

You may lose people you love. You may lose things you had...but no matter what, never lose yourself.

Listen to what people say when they are mad, that's when the truth comes out.

Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.

May my haters live very long to see my continued success and make their lives miserable.

Always remember... the stronger your position in life, the more enemies you're gonna have...while friends come and go. 

Remember... People can always threaten your very life but they can never take away your dreams.

The same one who mistreated you will end up needing is the circle of life.

Always remember...The people who usually hide their feelings care the most.

Reference~ Ziad Abdelnour

Sunday, August 27, 2017

The Seed of Thought

The journey (spiritual) begins with just a seedling (thought). The seed, watered everyday (devotion, prayer, contemplation) grows. It roots itself into the ground (fertile soil, the pure mind). It's trunk grows and grows and grows. 

Leaves sprout and grow (spiritual gifts and blessings). Branches branch off from the trunk (the source, first thought). These branches (acts of kindness, mercy, love) scatter fruit (abundance of gifts) and seeds multiply.

This is the nature of a single thought taking root in the mind and by carefully cultivating the seed so it can grow. Be careful what seeds you sow.

Mark 7:15  It's not what goes into your body that defiles you; you are defiled by what comes from your heart.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Not Everyone Is In Love With Me

Not everyone is in love with me.
There are some that would love to see me bleed.
They wish I would just go away,
And my face they never have to see.
They wish me dead,
for I remind them of all the wrongs they did to me.
How can one live with oneself
If I mirror back the one thing their soul really needs.
It's easier to deny the existence of God,
then to live up to you true divinity.
Wouldn't you agree?
My living is their hell,
Do you see?

Monday, August 14, 2017

I Miss Me

I use to love adventures
I use to be spontaneous
I use to make myself laugh
I miss me
When did my life become so heavy?
Get so serious?
When did I become so angry?
So depressed?
I miss me

If you see a little girl in your dreams-
all alone gazing at the stars,
exploring the woods,
building forts out of mud-
Tell her I miss her

Send her back home

I just want to love her,
and hug her,
and spoil her
Tell her I will reverse myself
and grow down
I'm done being a grown up
I'd rather be her
before society came and dragged her down
and enslaved her

She believed the world was magical, gentle
She believed anything was possible and
dreams really can come true
What I would give to be inside of her 
and see the world through her eyes-
to have hope again,
to really feel alive,
and connected to spirit

If you see her inside your dreams-
tell her that if she ever sees me
that I will play with her,
I will take her by the hand, 
and for the length of a dream
I will forget I am a grown up.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Highway Blues

Blue Sapphire orchids fell
within my gaze
They caught my eye 
and sent all of my troubles away

For a moment
I transcended all of my blues
And then my thoughts
drifted off to you and only you

I lit a candle
before I went to sleep
And placed in on my alter
hoping my thoughts would be within your reach
But you I don't want to bother

Here's a penny for that thought
please place it in your shoe
I am alone on this highway
and I'm breaking all the rules

Now when I see blue Sapphire orchids
I know to keep my cool
Your image helps me
transcend my troubling highway blues

Monday, August 7, 2017

Dream of Yoga and Shiny Things

From Journal Entry 4/4/17

   I am in a car trying to reach a yoga studio. I reach it and there is a lot of sand. It is in a secluded beach area. There is a woman there. She is the instructor.

   My best friend and I join in for yoga. We are told to hold hands. We begin with arm warm ups. My friend is told by a woman that she is beautiful but needs to go to the doctor.  

   My friend tells me, “Men are seduced by nice things. When they surround themselves with friends whom have lust in their hearts for power, wealth, and women; it will lead them astray.”

   The beach is symbolic of the meeting between two states of mind. The sand represents my shift in perspective about my marriage and the mental processes involved. The water symbolizes the emotional processes involved. With yoga as my spiritual practice, I will able to balance my mind, heart, and body to adapt to the coming changes in my life. My friend’s message sheds light on human nature in general and how easily men or women can be led away from God.

   I do end up going to a doctor for female problems. I am told I need a hysterectomy. I decide to change my diet and work on healing my body instead.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

A Letter To My Reader: The Cry To Be Heard

Dear Reader,

You will find that some of my recent posts come across a bit negative. I feel I owe my faithful Reader an explanation. It is no secret I am going through turbulent times and that I am feeling very violent emotions.

But with do respect Reader to you and to myself, I will own my feelings and give them the justice they are seeking. For if they remained void- forever concealed- my whole reality would be a lie. By bringing my emotions to light, I bridle my anger and guide it with gentleness. I validate it's existence.

It is not a hideous monster in me demanding my attention, but a little girl that feels that she's been shoved into a corner and forgotten about. She wants to step out of the shadows and into the light. 

God Bless,

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Sapphire's Letter To Arion: I Surrender!


   I was sure by now Beloved I would win your heart over by my glowing remarks on my love for you. There are no secrets between us, for you see all. There is no hiding my intentions from you. I can not bury them like a dog does a bone. And even if I did, you would know where to dig them up.
   This marvelous fictional love affair is at times really sad. And at other times very glorious. But I am tired now and my words are splitting pens. I want you to know that I SURRENDER!
   I can not chase after you anymore or run from you. My soul is weary. My heart is broken. My mind is divided.
   Promise me you will believe in yourself and never give up on your dreams. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Always remember that my love is without beginning or end.

Your Darling

Sunday, July 23, 2017

True Love Can Transform The World

Falling in love is the ultimate act of revolution, of resistance to today’s tedious, socially restrictive, culturally constrictive, humanly meaningless world.

Love transforms the world. Where the lover formerly felt boredom, he now feels passion. Where she once was complacent, she now is excited and compelled to self-asserting action. The world which once seemed empty and tiresome becomes filled with meaning, filled with risks and rewards, with majesty and danger. Life for the lover is a gift, an adventure with the highest possible stakes; every moment is memorable, heartbreaking in its fleeting beauty. When he falls in love, a man who once felt disoriented, alienated, and confused will know exactly what he wants. Suddenly his existence will make sense to him; suddenly it becomes valuable, even glorious and noble, to him. Burning passion is an antidote that will cure the worst cases of despair and resigned obedience.

Love makes it possible for individuals to connect to others in a meaningful way — it impels them to leave their shells and risk being honest and spontaneous together, to come to know each other in profound ways. Thus love makes it possible for them to care about each other genuinely, rather than at the end of the gun of Christian doctrine. But at the same time, it plucks the lover out of the routines of everyday life and separates her from other human beings. She will feel a million miles away from the herd of humanity, living as she is in a world entirely different from theirs.

In this sense love is subversive, because it poses a threat to the established order of our modern lives. The boring rituals of workday productivity and socialized etiquette will no longer mean anything to a man who has fallen in love, for there are more important forces guiding him than mere inertia and deference to tradition. Marketing strategies that depend upon apathy or insecurity to sell the products that keep the economy running as it does will have no effect upon him. Entertainment designed for passive consumption, which depends upon exhaustion or cynicism in the viewer, will not interest him.

There is no place for the passionate, romantic lover in today’s world, business or private. For he can see that it might be more worthwhile to hitchhike to Alaska (or to sit in the park and watch the clouds sail by) with his sweetheart than to study for his calculus exam or sell real estate, and if he decides that it is, he will have the courage to do it rather than be tormented by unsatisfied longing. He knows that breaking into a cemetery and making love under the stars will make for a much more memorable night than watching television ever could. So love poses a threat to our consumer-driven economy, which depends upon consumption of (largely useless) products and the labor that this consumption necessitates to perpetuate itself.
Similarly, love poses a threat to our political system, for it is difficult to convince a man who has a lot to live for in his personal relationships to be willing to fight and die for an abstraction such as the state; for that matter, it may be difficult to convince him to even pay taxes. It poses a threat to cultures of all kinds, for when human beings are given wisdom and valor by true love they will not be held back by traditions or customs which are irrelevant to the feelings that guide them.
Love even poses a threat to our society itself. Passionate love is ignored and feared by the bourgeoisie, for it poses a great danger to the stability and pretense they covet. Love permits no lies, no falsehoods, not even any polite half-truths, but lays all emotions bare and reveals secrets which domesticated men and women cannot bear. You cannot lie with your emotional and sexual response; situations or ideas will excite or repel you whether you like it or not, whether it is polite or not, whether it is advisable or not. One cannot be a lover and a (dreadfully) responsible, (dreadfully) respectable member of today’s society at the same time; for love will impel you to do things which are not “responsible” or “respectable.” True love is irresponsible, irrepressible, rebellious, scornful of cowardice, dangerous to the lover and everyone around her, for it serves one master alone: the passion that makes the human heart beat faster. It disdains anything else, be it self-preservation, obedience, or shame. Love urges men and women to heroism, and to antiheroism — to indefensible acts that need no defense for the one who loves.
For the lover speaks a different moral and emotional language than the typical bourgeois man does. The average bourgeois man has no overwhelming, smoldering desires. Sadly, all he knows is the silent despair that comes of spending his life pursuing goals set for him by his family, his educators, his employers, his nation, and his culture, without ever being able to even consider what needs and wants he might have of his own. Without the burning fire of desire to guide him, he has no criteria upon which to choose what is right and wrong for himself. Consequently he is forced to adopt some dogma or doctrine to direct him through his life. There are a wide variety of moralities to choose from in the marketplace of ideas, but which morality a man buys into is immaterial so long as he chooses one because he is at a loss otherwise as to what he should do with himself and his life. How many men and women, having never realized that they had the option to choose their own destinies, wander through life in a dull haze thinking and acting in accordance with the laws that have been taught to them, merely because they no longer have any other idea of what to do? But the lover needs no prefabricated principles to direct her; her desires identify what is right and wrong for her, for her heart guides her through life. She sees beauty and meaning in the world, because her desires paint the world in these colors. She has no need for dogmas, for moral systems, for commandments and imperatives, for she knows what to do without instructions.
Thus she does indeed pose quite a threat to our society. What if everyone decided right and wrong for themselves, without any regard for conventional morality? What if everyone did whatever they wanted to, with the courage to face any consequences? What if everyone feared loveless, lifeless monotony more than they fear taking risks, more than they fear being hungry or cold or in danger? What if everyone set down their “responsibilities” and “common sense,” and dared to pursue their wildest dreams, to set the stakes high and live each day as if it were the last? Think what a place the world would be! Certainly it would be different than it is now — and it is quite a truism that people from the “mainstream,” the simultaneous keepers and victims of the status quo, fear change.

And so, despite the stereotyped images used in the media to sell toothpaste and honeymoon suites, genuine passionate love is discouraged in our culture. Being “carried away by your emotions” is frowned upon; instead we are raised to always be on our guard lest our hearts lead us astray. Rather than being encouraged to have the courage to face the consequences of risks taken in pursuit of our hearts’ desires, we are counseled not to take risks at all, to be “responsible.” And love itself is regulated. Men must not fall in love with other men, nor women with other women, nor individuals from different ethnic backgrounds with each other, or else the usual bigots who form the front-line offensive in the assault of modern Western culture upon the individual will step in. Men and women who have already entered into a legal/religious contract with each other are not to fall in love with anyone else, even if they no longer feel any passion for their marital partner. Love as most of us know it today is a carefully prescribed and preordained ritual, something that happens on Friday nights in expensive movie theaters and restaurants, something that fills the pockets of the shareholders in the entertainment industries without preventing workers from showing up to the office on time and ready to reroute phone calls all day long. This regulated, commercial “love” is nothing like the passionate, burning love that consumes the genuine lover. These restrictions, expectations, and regulations smother true love; for love is a wild flower that can never grow within the confines prepared for it but only appears where it is least expected.

We must fight against these cultural restraints that would cripple and smother our desires. For it is love that gives meaning to life, desire that makes it possible for us to make sense of our existence and find purpose in our lives. Without these, there is no way for us to determine how to live our lives, except to submit to some authority, to some god, master or doctrine that will tell us what to do and how to do it without ever giving us the satisfaction that self-determination does. So fall in love today, with men, with women, with music, with ambition, with yourself… with life!

One might say that it is ridiculous to implore others to fall in love — one either falls in love or one does not, it is not a choice that can be made consciously. Emotions do not follow the instructions of the rational mind. But the environment in which we must live out our lives has a great influence on our emotions, and we can make rational decisions that will affect this environment. It should be possible to work to change an environment that is hostile to love into an environment that will encourage it. Our task must be to engineer our world so that it is a world in which people can and do fall in love, and thus to reconstitute human beings so that we will be ready for the “revolution” spoken of in these pages — so that we will be able to find meaning and happiness in our lives.

This text appears in the book Days of War, Nights of Love.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Fixed On God

When troubles arise,
keep your heart fixed on God.
When in a sea of doubt,
keep your heart fixed on God.
When you feel you're descending into a black abyss,
keep your heart fixed on God.
When you just received the worse news of your life,
keep your heart fixed on God.
In all your good and bad days,
always keep your heart fixed on God.