It Hurts You

it hurts you
to watch her go through hell
you want to be there for her
but circumstances beyond your control
prevent you
you want to tell her
everything will be okay
that you will always
be there for her
but you know
that’s not possible
you feel like you’ve abandoned her
that you’ve let her down
but she knows you’re there
in your own way
sometimes coming as a subtle thought
to gently remind her
you are thinking of her
you haven’t forgotten her smile
or the way she makes you feel
and when that thought
is strong enough
she smiles in her heart
and her face lights up
you don’t see it
but i promise you
she knows how much
she means to you
even when you’re so far away
living your life
the best that you know how
she feels you
don’t you love the way she loves you?
how she keeps you feeling alive on the inside?
remember this next time you’re in pain
and ache to hold her
but can’t
remember she loves you regardless

The Finish Line

when i reach
the finish line
(and yes one day i will)
how many people
in my life
will be there
to take all the credit
for my success
when basically i
did it all on my own
i hope for the sake
of saving face
those same people
at least show-up
for my funeral too

The Push You Need

i want to say "thank you"
to all my haters
who forced me
to be brave
outspoken
to stand out
from all others
even you
in my eyes
are the answer to my prayers

Gratitude for Him Leaving

while you were up all night crying
because he left you
he's not
he's making love to the woman
he left you for
so be thankful
he did you a favor sweetheart
all that hurt you feel
is you realizing you betrayed yourself
maybe you should of left him
a long time ago
after the first time
he cheated on you
but hey let's be honest with ourselves
he's not the man
you thought you married
and he's also no longer your problem

The Fire of Kundalini

Kundalini comes from Sanskrit and refers to a cosmic force, energy. It is a pure, divine force. Kunda in Sanskrit means coiled. It’s the same way a serpent sleeps. As the serpent (Kundalini) awakens and travels up the spine, it activates the corresponding powers of the chakras.

Any spiritual practices we perform has its intention of the awakening of this cosmic force (serpent) within us. It is what connects us to the Divine. It functions according to cause and effect. Every manifested thing is subject to cause and effect, and Kundalini is no exception. When the causes are satisfied, the effect is the result.

The most common universal symbol for the Kundalini is the serpent, which is found in every religion. (Matthew 10:16 Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.) It is this serpent that gives wisdom, intelligence. Kundalini is an energy that exists in the body. The true initiate seeks to escape suffering; it is someone tired of the ego, tired of pain, tired of death. The real initiate wants to go back to Eden and has remorse for their pride and their lust and wants to change that. This power of Kundalini is the power of God.

Our nature does not want this. Nature only wants to perpetuate itself. Nature does not want or need us to believe in God or not. Nature wants our energy. Every organism in nature transforms energy and transmits energy. Human beings are organisms that digest, transform, and release forces. And those forces perpetuate life on the planet.

We need a physical body to reach enlightenment. The physical body is the place where all the forces from the other dimensions join together so they can be transformed. The force we need to liberate the power, the energy that will awaken the consciousness and give us the spiritual sight that we need is enclosed in the root chakra- trapped, asleep. This is where the Kundalini rests and waits for us to come and awaken it.

The creative power of God is sex. The sexual energy when polarized negatively traps the consciousness in hell. Only a couple working together can experience this energy. The second birth is the reemergence back to Eden. The rule is to save your sexual energy.

Kundalini is the intelligence of God. The Kundalini only arises, only arrives to those who deserve it. And those who deserve that enter into a very different experience of life. Someone who has this energy active within them does not see life the way normal people do. The Kundalini opens our spiritual eyes. It is the doorway back to Eden.

Reference~ The Fire of Kundalini Gnostic Teachings, full lecture
https://youtu.be/i63rHV-n8N0 

Forgive Me

i just want to say
i am sorry
for not talking to you
when i had the chance
i am sorry
for not telling you
sooner how i felt
i am sorry 
for all the pain
i may have caused you
i know i am complicated
but let's be honest
so are you
you also never
said anything
and in our efforts
to avoid each other
we only caused
the other heartache and pain
i am sorry
for being silent
and wanting
to protect you
from me
i can see now
i only made the pain worse
and both of our lives messier
unintentionally wounding those we love
so i am truly sorry
for the one thing
that i did do
and had no control over
and that was falling in love with you

Gripping Nothing

there's a part of her
that held on to him
because she had
nothing else to hold on to
nothing in her life
ever did last
maybe that's why
she held on for
far too long
because at least
she had something
to hold

Countless Acts of Bravery

she lost count
of the times
she fell down
and got back up
she wanted to runaway
from her problems
and just disappear
but somewhere
deep inside of herself
she always found
the courage to
face her fears
that's what warriors do
they get back up
dust themselves off
and charge ahead
there simply is no
other option

Doubt

it doesn't have to be
left this way
you holding on to her memory
you torturing yourself
because you can't pick up
the phone to call her
you want to apologize
you want to tell her
how you feel
but there's a part of you
that feels it's too late
she's moved on
and you've convinced yourself
you don't deserve her
after all you put her through
you wonder why she would
even forgive you
the answer is this:
because she loves you
you IDIOT

Headstrong

many times
i wanted
to quit myself
and give up
not get out of bed
not eat
not leave the house
and go to work
but then he'd win
by thinking
he's broken me
and i'll be damn
if i let any man
break me

A Prayer: This Day Will Never Come Again

   How will you come to me Lord? How will I know you? How will I recognize you? I know you will come for me. You will slip into my being, perhaps in the middle of the night while I sleep. Maybe you will come to me when I’m not looking for you, when I’m distracted, staring into an oncoming storm fearing my immortality. Or maybe you will come to me in the midst of a lie that pours out of my mouth effortlessly. You will let me know you are listening as I listen to myself say something that is not true as easily as if I were giving the time of day. I tell myself that lies are insignificant that they don’t matter. How do I know what matters? What is insignificant? What if I’m being tested? Observed? Did you know I put my conscience to sleep years ago? Or maybe that’s how you will come to me. You will awaken my conscience like a sleeping dragon one day when I’m weakened by disease or fear or loneliness. And I will be forced to face the truth that I fear you, I fear truth.

    You are truth itself and I feel that power rumble like an earthquake through my being each time my eyes look into the eyes of another human being. One word of truth exchanged through the eyes of another is enough to bond two human beings for eternity- the power of a sacred union. No wonder we fear truth. No wonder I fear you. How will you come to me Lord? You will come through truth. You will make me need you and I will come searching. You will make me shed my skin, my illusions, my weaknesses like boils ready to burst on my flesh. And then when I am broken, to weak to deceive even myself, there you will be, already resurrecting my soul. Somehow Lord I found this truth already lodged in my heart. You’ve already come for me.

Reference~ Thomas Merton

The Art From Heartbreak

her heart
was badly marked
with bruises and scars
but she survived him

wounded hearts
are the toughest to heal
but also make the most
beautiful murals

New Release: Shedding the Wife

 a spiritual journey through divorce

shedding the wife
is about a spiritual journey
through divorce
with inner landscapes
of floods and fires
the storm
becomes a catalyst
to self-discovery
this book is
for all women
healing from the wounds
of betrayal, neglect, and/or abuse
and by doing the inner work
empowers us
to let go of the past
and move forward as a warrior

Grab your copy!   https://www.amazon.com/dp/1798859963 Shedding the Wife

Kindle Download! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QCM4T5F Amazon Kindle

Good at Pretending

i'm pretending to
forget about you
it's the only thing
that makes the pain
easier to bear
i'm pretending not to
love you
and am wondering
if on your side
of the world
if you are good at
pretending too

The Healing Power of Words

he called
to say he was sorry
i was hesitant
to even answer the phone
when i heard his words
i was in disbelief
i wanted to cry
but i didn't
i didn't want to
give him the satisfaction
that he had any power
over me
so i waited
when i was alone
and released
the flood of emotions
that kept me in bondage
for so long
each teardrop
tasted like freedom
birthing a new version of myself
that is capable of trusting someone again

Reaching In

she reached up
for help
but no one came
she reached out
and the only
hand she felt
was her own
so she pulled
herself up
and wiped
her tears
maybe no one
gave a damn
but she did
she cared enough
to put herself
back together
when it appeared
no one else did

sometimes loving yourself is enough to survive

Dream of Buddhist Temple

"Whoever can see through fear will always be safe." Lao Tzu

6/5/2018

   I'm standing in front of a beautiful Buddhist temple. I become lucid and aware that I am dreaming. I eagerly want to explore the temple. Suddenly, a black cloud approaches me and tries to enter my body. With courage I say, "I will stomp out my enemies!" I stomp my foot on the ground with authority. The cloud turns into a rag, then falls to the ground. Grey clouds form in the background and are quickly moving in. The temple is no longer visible.

   A temple represents psychological or emotional refuge. I want to find balance and recenter myself after a difficulty. The black cloud represents a lower energy mass present in my space. It is a lingering negative energy who's presence is making me aware of the negative things that I'm trying to get out of my life and that are being released. The grey clouds represent the upcoming end of depression. Also, a life ahead without much troubles.

   My divorce was finalized last summer. I still was dealing with a lot of negativity. Things have changed drastically since then, and I am in a much better head and heart space. I recently stumbled on Taoism, Teaching of the Way, and began to listen to Lao Tzu teachings on YouTube.

  In China, Buddhism and Taoism are considered identical in concepts. Some Taoism concepts:

Life is suffering only if you do not follow the Dao.

Conquer your problems instead of running away.

Make it good, don't wait for the next life.

Stay healthy so you can live a very long life.

Work with nature, not conquer or harness Nature.

Be kind, lead a simple life with as few attachments.

Be aware of the illusionary nature and fragility of status, power, beauty, wealth, etc.

Reference~ dreambible.com and quora.com/Taoism

Tao Te Ching https://youtu.be/o2UYch2JnO4

Second Chances

i remember that weekend
you showed up unexpectedly
i answered the door
wrapped up in a blanket
i was half asleep
you were in town
for the day
i closed the door
on you
out of sheer panic
how i wish now
i would of invited you in
but i was terrified of you
my heart and my mind
in disagreement
how i regret not
getting to know you better
so many opportunities missed
because i let fear overpower me
but given a second chance
i would take my time
to get to know you
we could just both agree
to keep it simple
no pressure
no expectations
no need to make plans
just embrace
what's between us
here and now

Wearing Pain

she didn't go to
great lengths
to hide her
swollen red eyes
she didn't give a damn
what others thought
she wanted them
to see a woman
that was brave enough
to emerge
from her home
after hours of crying
with no make-up on
to cover up the fact
her heart was broken
but her wings undamaged

Penetration

you know your
a mature lover
when you can sit
in each other's company
and be content
with getting lost
in each other's eyes
there's something
more penetrating
than a man's penis
and that's his eyes
penetrating your soul

Spiritual Warriors

A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a person perfected without trials.
~ Chinese proverb

We all know how important mental and physical strength is for our well-being. But in order to overcome any hardship, and create a life that’s not just ordinary, but extraordinary – we also need spiritual strength. When all three kinds of strength – physical, mental, and spiritual are present, we can become spiritual warriors.

Being a spiritual warrior doesn’t mean we’re super-human. It means that we’re able to overcome hardship. This is what the secret code of the Ninja – the shadow-warriors of ancient Japan – can teach us.

The Ninja taught that one should embrace hardship. We all know that the hard times, when we have to grit our teeth and just simply continue walking uphill – step by step – are the ones where transformation begins.

The secret teachings of the Ninjas are based upon the ancient Chinese lore of the four elements: earth, water, fire and wind. It may sound esoteric, but this wisdom is really practical and down to earth. It can help us find a new perspectives when we get stuck in life.

1. Be Like The Earth

This secret is about being grounded. When we are grounded, we are steady and collected in mind and body. In terms of martial arts, to be like the earth means to stand your ground. In life this translates as staying steady and remaining grounded in reality.

2. Be Like Fire

Fire has tremendous power that can be used for survival – but it can also be destructive if not contained. A spiritual warrior embraces fire in the form of passion. The seat of fire energy is in the hara, or lower belly. Anger is also an expression of fire energy. Most times anger is destructive, but there are also times when it is a skillful emotion. Anger can give us the strength to stand up against injustice, and the courage to defend ourselves against all odds.

In terms of martial arts, fire signifies attack. In life, to be like fire means using passion in order to overcome barriers.

3. Be Like Water

The softest things in the world overcome the hardest things in the world.
~ Lao-Tzu ~

Water finds its way to the sea. No matter what mountains block the way. A mountain stream flows gracefully around rocks. In terms of martial arts, to be like water means to avoid, or deflect an attack. In life, to be like water means to find ways of reaching your goals by moving around an obstacle, instead of confronting it head-on.

4. Be Like The Wind

The wind can change direction at any moment. It has no fixed direction. As human beings, we suffer from the opposite: as life goes on, we become more and more fixed in the way we live and in the way we think. We become creatures of habit, and change seems more and more difficult.

In martial arts, to be like wind means to adapt to circumstances without pre-conceptions. In his book The Spiritual Practices of the Ninja, Ross Heaven says:

"The Ninja reckoned that 80 percent of our available energy is locked into habits that stem from generational and social conditioning. They became expert warriors by using their enemy’s reliance on habit against them and employing the element of surprise – the other 20 percent – themselves."

Because we are fixed in our ideas of who we are and what we are capable of, we miss countless opportunities to grow and develop. Doors open in life – but sometimes we don’t see them. We walk past because we don’t expect to see a door there. When we become like the wind, we can be light and flexible in our thinking an actions.

Every time we are stuck, it helps to find new ways to think about the situation. And this is the beauty of the Ninja teachings – they are simple, but deep.

Reference~Mary Jaksch

The Unwrapped Gift

she was a beautiful mess
with her uncombed hair
tied back in a bun
wearing her favorite
worn-out yellow nightgown
with no underwear
she hadn't showered in three days
and still he embraced her
and wanted to have sex with her
all he saw was the woman
he ached to touch
the woman he loved
standing there as a gift
waiting to be unwrapped

You're A Queen

women, we are fools to think we have to beg for a man's attention to get him to spend time with us. we are fools to believe we have to use sex to get what we want. we are only demoralizing ourselves by being content with being his second option and sometimes last resort.

your a queen, so act like one. only then will you attract the attention of a king. all those other men will think your unattainable and out of their league. don't give them a second glance. remind yourself to straighten your crown next time you second guess yourself.

Old Photographs

she tried to bury her past
of dead end friendships
and her disappointing marriage
but the memories
kept creeping in
reminding her
how death comes
in many forms
she tried to forget
but she was surrounded
by pictures of dead things

The Wolf Inside You

i'm not always pretty
sometimes i am a wolf
going out to defend
my territory and young

women are like
that you know
if you threaten
their home or livelihood
watch out!
the savage comes out
and blood will be shed

33 Steps to Reclaiming Your Power

Stuart Wilde- Infinite Self

1. I am Infinite. I am one with the God Force.

2. My inner awareness begins with the God Force in me and expands outward.

3. I have the courage to go beyond my ordinary, limited perceptions.

4. I listen for and accept inner guidance from Spirit.

5. I accept negativity as a learning experience and transmute it into an opportunity for growth.

6. What I know about the world I’ve learned from prevalent belief patterns. I now look beyond those patterns for my own infinite good.

7. I commit myself to building my highest wisdom and power beyond the weakness of the ego.

8. I am master of my own destiny.

9. I reclaim my power from the world and return it to the God Force. My personal power grows through this discipline.

10. My mind is centered.

11. What I believe I am, I am.

12. My word is law unto me.

13. I find freedom through acceptance and detachment.

14. I judge nothing. I quantify nothing.

15. By holding onto nothing, I actually have everything.

16. I have no need to defend my will or force my views.

17. I continuously purify myself of ego-based limitations.

18. I respect all living things -- including myself -- and I acknowledge their beauty and magnificence.

19. My power rises from within. I don’t need to push a situation, the appropriate outcome is drawn to me.

20. My most powerful action can be non-action (non-judgment, non-involvement), where I operate from a state of “clear being” rather than “hectic doing.”

21. I dedicate my life to the sacred way.

22. I have an abundance of inspiration and creative expression.

23. I maintain a fresh, energized attitude toward life. I observe nature and align myself to it.

24. I do not fear death, but rather accept it and get on with living.

25. My energy is my message. I don’t preach, I don’t seek followers.

26. I am physically disciplined. I provide my body’s requirements for optimal condition.

27. I am emotionally disciplined. I experience emotions, but I release them.

28. I am mentally disciplined. I don’t let negativity and “logic” dominate my life and direction. My higher self shines through.

29. I do not invest energy in things that don’t resonate for me. I live my truth and let the rest go.

30. I am spiritually disciplined. I acknowledge the source of my light and power regularly and often.

31. The energy of the quest uplifts me and carries me forward on my path.

32. A beneficent fusion of energies takes my beyond fear and difficulty into the realm of limitlessness.

33. I accept for myself the ever-evolving, ever-unfolding path of the Initiate -- which I travel with inner poise, power, and peace.

Reference~ www.scribd.com/ProclaimingYourInnerPower

Watch the full video: https://youtu.be/pTuHg2K8GPQ

  Stuart Wilde: Infinite Self