The Phantoms of You

every year i expect you
to show up or call
but you never do
i'm starting to believe
all those little moments
of you stealing a glance at me
were all fabricated in my mind
i want to still believe
that when we were in each other's company
that you too
felt the air charged with electricity
but maybe i was wrong
and only i felt that way
with a decade now separating us
your memory is fading
and what scares me the most
is never knowing if what was between us
was ever real

The 31st Floor

here i stand
looking out the window
on the 31st floor
from my temporary room
into a world
that’s made me feel
unwanted all of my life
but as i steady my gaze
at the sunrise
on the city that never sleeps
this man
i met six months ago
wraps his arms
around me from behind
in a tight, reassuring embrace
that i am wanted
he is a species
unknown to me:
kind, generous, genuinely loving
as we hold on
to each other
our thoughts intertwine and i feel the magic
we both long
for this moment
to never end
we both want each other
in a way
no one ever has
in this perfect moment
i become aware
that this man
is going to change my life
and so i breathe him in
and let the colors
of the new sun
paint my mood
two lovers
wanting nothing more
then the infinite wonder
of what this moment
has to offer

Dream of Crosses In The Sky

From Journal Entry 1/9/2020

I am with my mom and son. We are at my grandma's house. We are standing outside. I look up at the blue sky and see clouds that look like crosses. I point up at them and tell my mom and son to look. I am very excited.

This is a spiritual dream, an answer to a prayer that was being answered. I still need conformation that God is with me. I have gone through many life changes the past couple of years with my divorce, a new relationship I'm now in, and I am still searching for answers in my own life. Am I on the right path? Have I found my life partner? Is it time to move? 

The crosses I believe mean, "Keep your eyes on me." I am reminded to focus on Christ and not to get distracted in my daily life. It is a reflection of my future and a promise that everything is in the hands of God. All I have to do is trust Him. Looking up at the sky is my spiritual feelings and state of mind. It being clear blue means my life will be calm, light, bright, and stable soon.

 My grandmother was a very religious and deeply loved the Lord. She devoted her life to God ministering in prisons. My mother is also very religious and still schools me on her outdated beliefs on God. My son, on the other hand, has only had my influence in his life- yoga, meditation, spirituality, etc. This dream could also be telling me that one day he may also feel a strong connection to God.

Psalm 34:5-7  Keep your eyes on the Lord! You will shine like the sun and never blush with shame. I was a nobody, but I prayed, and the Lord saved me from all my troubles. If you honor the Lord, his angel will protect you.

Making Meaningful Connections

life has a way
of making you
forget who you are
it will tell you
what fashion to wear
what music to listen to
what not to eat
and how to behave
what religion you should belong to
and who to vote for
to be the next King
but none of that matters
what really matters
is knowing who you are
loving yourself
so you have more love
to give others
how you touch
another person's life
can cause a ripple effect
around the world
you are an imaginary line
touching millions
remembering who you are
is more important
than who they tell you
you are

Own Your Outrage

Outrage is a part of our healing.

Don't let anyone try to shuffle you away from your anger.

Anger is a wise, cleansing force alerting you to the truth of your worth and to the truth within you.

It's a necessary step in recovering from being violated, personally, and collectively.

Don't rush out of your outrage, listen to it and harness it as fuel for wise, informed action on your own behalf. Your anger is part of your power. 

Do what so few dare to do: Give your anger a safe, empathic space to be fully, completely felt. Harness it, listen to it.

To the degree that you allow yourself to do so, is the degree to which you can increasingly own your power without apology.

Anger has so many gifts. Not indiscriminate, projected anger, but the energy of outrage, felt and placed where it truly belongs. Anger has an inner alchemy that heals and isn't contingent on external validation.

Collective female outrage is a nectar that this world needs.

Reference~ Bethany Webster

Waking Up After Divorce

it was a daily battle
fighting with my emotions
i hated him
for what he did to me
and i loved him
for the children he gave me
i struggled with the good memories
and the bad
they are knotted in my heart and mind
i don't wish to erase them
but if it wasn't for my children
i'd have to be honest
and say he was the biggest mistake
i ever made

The Love You Can't Forget

i know you sit here
wondering if he's thinking of you
and even though
i can't promise he is
i do suspect
that your thoughts of him
do reach him 
and one day
he'll wonder
what became of you
and this may be enough
for him
to reach out to you