Living Separate Lives

we slept in separate beds
had separate lives
and passed each other
like roommates
little talk
no affection
no locking eyes
that said I love you
inside I was dying
my heart in so much pain
it was apparent
we were over
I just wasn't ready
to admit it

Life Is Not A Fairytale

i have to remind myself
that i am allowed to
live my life
it's not that i still
feel married
no
it's the feeling that
i am still controlled
by a dragon
if this were a fairytale
i'd slay the dragon

My Story: The Divorce

   Divorce in my mind was a dirty word.  I grew up with Christian values and therefore never conceived that I would ever go through one. My marriage vows I took to heart, which meant to death do you part. But when your spouse comes to you and says he wants a divorce, you're faced with a new reality. I couldn't force him to do marriage counseling. I couldn't persuade him to stay when he made up his mind he was leaving. 

   I wish I could say it was a good divorce, but it wasn't. I was pushed to my limits emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It would be the greatest spiritual battle of my life. What took place during the last two years was a period of cleansing and clearing. Friends and family that no longer served my soul expansion exited my life. What God was doing was creating space for new people and new opportunities to enter my life.

   I started a new job, which has been very fulfilling.  I've made new friends that are spiritually conscious and live mindfully. I've grown closer to the few friends and family members that did stand by me. I feel like I am on the right path that is going to take me to my desired destination. For the first time in my life, I feel confident in my abilities to accomplish my dreams. I've learned to just keep moving forward and not dwell on the past. 

   Each day I discover a new version of myself. My struggles are shaping me and have given my life meaning. In my pain, I've discovered new stars, explored low valleys, and climbed mountains that I thought were impossible. The power to wake up every day and decide who am I going to be is a gift. The allowing of the unfolding of me is a challenge I am willing to undertake. This miracle of loving myself unconditionally, a grace from God.

The Effects of Cruelty

he threw
the first stone
my inner waters
disturbed
he threw
a second, third, fourth
and did not stop
flood waters
carried me away

A Deficit in Love

the fact that
you broke
my spirit
is proof
that i
gave you
my all
and you
gave nothing
in return

The Narcissistic Girlfriend

she texts me
i know it's her
she pretends to be him
texting me through his phone
i've known my ex for nearly
twenty years
doesn't she realize i
know his style of texting?
and the extent of his vocabulary?
why is this woman harassing me?
why is she so fixated on me?
i think how pathetic
doesn't she have anything
more meaningful to do with her time?
where's the freakshow emoji
when you want it?

Never Give Up

just when you think you're one up in this game of life, you have to start all over again and strategize your next move. you don't give up. you just keep trying different methods until you get the results you want. something will have to happen because you are determined and you believe in yourself. one day, you'll crack the code to life; and love, abundance, and sweet rewards will be gifted to you. not because someone gave these things to you, but because you gave them to yourself.

Possibilities

a few exchanges
back and forth
and we were united
in thought
the stars
dazzle inside of me
just imagining
the many ways
i could be
united to him

Dream of The Living Word and Bad Omen, Part 2

From Journal Entry 10/17/2014
   A woman comes to me in my dream and delivers two messages to me, one of hope and the other a warning. She says, "There are a few on earth now that are the Living Word. Things are happening fast now and we will see it before we die."

12 messages given to St. Padre Pio by Jesus about the end of the world.

1. The world is walking in ruins. Men have abandoned the right path to venture on roads that end in the desert of violence … If they do not drink from the source of humility, charity and love, it will be a catastrophe.

2. Terrible things will come. I can no longer intercede for men. Divine piety is about to end. Man had been created to love life, and ended up destroying life …

3. When the world was entrusted to man, it was a garden. Man has turned it into an atmosphere full of poisons. Nothing now serves to purify the house of man. A deep work is necessary, which can only come from heaven.

4. Prepare to live three days in total darkness. These three days are very close … And in these days they will remain as dead without eating or drinking. Then the light will return. But many will be the men who will not see it anymore.

5. Many people will escape scared. It will run without a goal. They will say that there is salvation to the east and people will run to the east, but it will fall on a cliff. They will say that to the west there is salvation and people will run to the west, but they will fall into a furnace.

6. The earth will tremble and the panic will be great … The Earth is sick. The earthquake will be like a snake: they will feel it crawling everywhere. And many stones will fall. And many men will perish.

7. You are like ants, because the time will come when men will take their eyes off for a crumb of bread. Businesses will be looted, warehouses will be taken in assault and destroyed. Poor will be one who in those dark days will be without a candle, without a jug of water and without the necessary for three months.

8. A land will disappear … a great land. A country will be erased forever from geographical maps … And with it history, wealth and men will be dragged into the mud.

9. The love of man for man has become an empty word. How can you expect Jesus to love you, if you do not even love those who eat at your own table? … Of the wrath of God men of science will not be forgiven, but men of heart.

10. I’m desperate … I do not know what to do for humanity to repent. If you continue on this path, the tremendous wrath of God will be unleashed like a tremendous thunderbolt.

11. A meteorite will fall on the earth and everything will shine. It will be a disaster, much worse than a war. Many things will be canceled. And this will be one of the signs …

12. Men will live a tragic experience. Many will be overwhelmed by the river, many will be burned by fire, many will be buried by poisons … But I will stay close to the pure of heart.

My Final Thoughts

Ask yourself, Are things speeding up? Are there more humans acting like angels or demons? Are we striving for heaven or hell? And what about you? Do you live a life centered on God or self? Are you helping in raising the vibration on the planet or aiding in our descent into hell?

Reference~ www.dailyrosaryfamily.com

Dream of The Living Word and Bad Omen, Part 1

From Journal Entry 10/17/2014

   A woman comes to me in my dream and delivers two messages to me, one of hope and the other a warning. She says, "There are a few on earth now that are the Living Word. Things are happening fast now and we will see it before we die.

   Jesus Christ is the full expression of God's written and spoken word. He is the Living Word that took up a physical body in order to remind us of our true identity in God as divine, eternal beings. Jesus took up a spiritual body when He was crucified and His spirit dwells within every living soul. Every human has the seed to birth the Christ Consciousness within their bodies. We're told in 1 Peter 1:22 You have made your souls pure by obeying the truth through the Holy Spirit. And how exactly do you discern the truth of the Holy Spirit? The answer is found in 1 Corinthians 2:13 And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those that are spiritual. Finally then we become transformed into the Living Word, John 1:4 In the Word exists life, which provides Light to all men. 
   Does it sound like a simple thing to do? No, it's not because there is suffering involved, and like Jesus one must be willing to suffer. One must be willing to follow God's voice from within. And one must be dedicated to the service of others. By studying Jesus' teachings we can learn how to become more Christlike and impart his message of divine love onto others.

Observations

i watched him
slip away from me
i watched him drink
and chase other women
i watched it become
more difficult for
me to love him
i watched him destroy himself
our marriage
and me
i watched myself 
fall apart 
after he left
and i watched myself
put all the pieces back together
of my shattered life
and start over again
i watched myself
descend into a hell
and rise up like a warrior

Women that Survive Abuse

that woman is
as tough as nails
if she can survive you
she can survive anything

Sapphire's Poem to Arion: I Am Yours Forever

all my thoughts of you are tied up in knots
your memory fading from me
i fear you will forget me
i fear i will never see your smile again
i feel the days closing in on me
and it becomes harder to breathe
if you were here, i'd be okay
i could inhale again with ease
but for now Beloved i sit here and wait
my destiny calling me
how i thought you were my destiny
now i just second guess myself
nothing is what it seems
this i've learned the hard way
if you were here
i'd have all my thoughts
lined up in a row
neatly placed in front of you
i'd show you all the pretty ones first
and ask for your help to bury the ugly ones
fear can be crippling
and doubt pure madness
i miss the shine from your eyes
that dissolved all my sadness away
i will move on
even though i don't want to without you
but i will because that's what i must do
i will always be waiting for you
and that will always torture my soul
but the Lord hasn't given
me more than i can take
i am the wounded lover
and my scars i am not ashamed of
i wouldn't have it any other way Beloved,
i wouldn't have it any other way

A Way Out of this Prison

The wicked women to the wicked men is wisdom: the ugly is the mate and fitting (consort) for the ugly. Whatever, then, you wish to mate with, go, become absorbed in the loved (object), and assume its shape and quality.

If you wish for the light, make yourself ready to receive the light, if you wish to be far (from God), become self-conceited and far. And if you wish (to find) a way out of this ruined prison do not turn your head away from the Beloved, but bow in worship and draw high.

Reference~ The Mathnawi

Opposites

we were both looking
for two different
types of love:
me a heaven,
you a hell

Windows to the Soul

a smile can
cover up sadness
deep-rooted pain
even anger
but the eyes never lie

Angels Battling Demons

don’t worry about your reputation ladies when you have to go to war. the only thing that anyone can say about you is she’s a badass. she stands for truth and will lie to protect it. she stands for peace and will fight on the front lines of a good battle. she stands for justice and will do everything that’s within her power to preserve it. she stands up for all women who have been beaten down by a man’s words or fists.

it comes with the painful understanding that as women we at times have to go to war and get bloody. and only then do we truly discover who we are and we can say “fuck my reputation! i just conquered the meanest mountain, stomped on the heads of my enemies, and survived an unimaginable hell!”

Finding Gold

i only saw your potential
and ignored mine
i invested everything in you
instead of myself
now i’m paying attention
to my desires and needs
and i think i found a gold mine!

My Sanctuary

my bed isn’t a playground for half-ass lovers. my bed gives me warmth, comfort, and relief from all the stresses of the world. it’s where i dream, pray and meditate, read and write. it’s where i cry into my pillow and talk to God.

when the curtains are drawn, it’s where the moon softens my eyes so i can fall asleep. on restless nights, when i find myself tossing and turning, my mind drifts to the man of my dreams lying next to me in my sanctuary.

A Love Letter To Me: You Have the Power to Inspire

dear me, i love the parts of you that no one else does. i love how you no longer want to keep those parts of you, that you thought were unlovable, hidden. you want to bring them to light. you want to transform them, water them, and see something new grow. your ability to nurture yourself proves that your heart is expanding. and i have to tell you that is amazing! after everything you’ve been through the past two years, you choose love over hate, laughter over sadness, hope over despair.

i know you will achieve great things because you never give up. you keep moving forward, getting back up when you're knocked down and persevere under the most stressful conditions. there is a superpower in you. there is a wonder in you. you believe in yourself when you feel no one else does. that's because, my dear, you know who you are. you know you're a starseed, a co-creator, an author of your own story, which by the way, you’re writing very well. so, keep on doing what you’re doing. keep on being a light onto others. keep on being you! love you!!

Resurrected

Beloved,
often I dream of you
your presence
water to my soul
your touch
life giving
that sparks
a thousand sensations
for you
in my dreams
I reach for you
and I am alive again

Born to Love

darling, be patient with yourself. you've been through a battle. you’re badly bruised, beaten, and parts of you are broken. but you are on the mends- healing takes time. you built a life with him and it was destroyed in a hurricane. the good news is the storm has passed and broken hearts heal. remember, you were born to love, you were born to break, and you were born to love again.

Parmahansa Yogananda: Staying Motivated on the Spiritual Path

After we find our spiritual path and start walking it, we feel exuberant, lighthearted, relieved to finally be on our way home. But after a mile or two we may become tired or discouraged.

We look around us, and it seems that the landscape has not changed; we are still the same unimproved, uninspired person we always were. And we wonder why we are not doing as well as we had expected and why we have not moved closer to our spiritual goal.

The great guru, Parmahansa Yogananda, knew that such let-downs would from time to time overcome the students of his teachings, so in addition to his Lessons containing the meditation and yoga techniques, he offered many other forms of writing such as poems in which he declared in dramatic ways that no matter how bogged down one may feel, there is no reason to become discouraged.

The great guru-poet insisted that the soul is on its way to God, no matter many times the thought occurs to one that life is just slowing down.

The great guru prefaces his poem from Songs of the Soul titled “My Soul Is Marching On” with the following words of solace:

Never be discouraged by this motion picture of life. Salvation is for all. Just remember that no matter what happens to you, still your soul is marching on. No matter where you go, your wandering footsteps will lead you back to God. There is no other way to go.

The poem creates a drama featuring life's dual nature. Stars are bright, yet are set in a contrast of darkness. As bright as the light of the sun is, yet the bright sunshine is not apparent during the nighttime.

Even the moon wanes as well as waxes. All of these natural phenomena keep their bright nature even when surrounded with darkness. Thus they exemplify the dual nature of light and dark.

The metaphor of time as a “grinding wheel” dramatizes the act of life fading from planets and even the lives of people. Flowers bloom and die; trees grow stately then are toppled; heroic figures are triumphant but for a short while. Time flies by, and each person’s life energies fade.

Yet as all of these dualities are in motion because we exist in physical and mental bodies, we falsely identify with the dying. The purpose of the spiritual path is to correct our vision, to help us understand that only on the physical level are these life-fading events occurring.

The soul is not affected by any of these changes: not the stars, the moon, the flowers, the trees, the demise of heroic men, nor the passing of aeons of time—nothing diminishes the soul.

It is always so uplifting to remember that the soul is ever new joy, ever new bliss, ever one with the Divine Beloved. After a dip in that memory, we look around and start walking our path again knowing we are, in fact, headed home. And once again we feel exuberant, lighthearted, and relieved to be traveling our spiritual path.

Reference~ www.owlcation.com/Parmahansa Yogananda

When He Tells You He Wants Out

i could not force
the tears back
my throat contracted
i was speechless
his words "i want a divorce"
hung in the air
i felt like a dog being
kicked in my side
his love for me
dry as a bone

When Words Aren't Needed

in your presence
words die away
my senses open
and my being
fills up
with your wildness
every molecule in me
feels intimacy
with every molecule of you

Less Toxic People, More Creativity

there are some individuals
that like to create
more pain for you
they don't deserve you
ignore them
stay away
they are just a distraction
from you creating
the life you
want for yourself

Abandonment Issues

the sweetness
of life
leaves you
when you're abandoned
you become more cautious
with your heart
and more suspicious
of any man
that says he loves you

Boys Chasing Girls

every man you ever gave your heart to either has lied to you, cheated on you, or mistreated you. now your alone and you see them for what they really are, a man-child, still running around on the playground chasing after girls to touch their ass and boobs, and then bragging to their friends about it, and then avoiding being sent to the principal’s office for punishment.

get over him! A real man doesn’t chase after other women. he also isn’t so damn insecure that talking about feelings makes him belittle or berate you. the man you're looking for only has an interest in your ass and boobs and cares deeply about your concerns. he’s the one worth waiting for.

The Ten Commitments

These are our freedoms, not our restrictions.  You shall know that you have taken the path of God, and you shall know that you have found God, for there will be these signs, these indications, these changes in you. You will know that you found the path to God when you see these signs. For God’s promise is that no one who truly seeks God shall any longer do these things. It would be impossible to continue such behaviors.                                                              

1.  You shall love God with all your heart, all your mind all your soul.  And there shall be no other God set before Me. No longer will you worship human love, or success, money, or power, nor any symbol thereof. You will set aside these things as a child sets aside toys. Not because they are unworthy, but because you have outgrown them.

And, you shall know you have taken the path to God.

2. You shall not use the name God in vain.  Nor will you call upon Me for frivolous things. You will understand the power of words, and of thoughts, and you would not think of invoking the name of God in an unGodly manner.  You shall not use my name in vain because you cannot.  For My name-the Great  “I Am” – is never used in vain (that is, without result), nor can it ever be.  And when you have found God, you shall know this.

And, I shall give you these other signs as well;

3. You shall remember to keep a day for me, and you shall call it holy.  This, so that you do not long stay in your illusion, but cause yourself to remember who and what you are.  And then shall you call every day the sabbath, and every moment holy.

4.  You shall honor your mother and your father – and you will know you are the Son of God when you honor Father/Mother/God in all that you say or do or think. And even as you honor the Father/Mother/God, and your father and mother on Earth (for they have given you life), so, too, will you honor everyone.

5.  You know you have found God when you observe that you will not murder (that is, willfully kill, without cause).  For while you will understand that you cannot end another’s life in any event (all life is eternal), you will not choose to terminate any particular incarnation, nor will not change any life energy from one form to another, without the most sacred justification.  Your new reverence for life will cause you to honor all life forms – including plants, trees and animals – and to impact them only when it is for the highest good.

And these other signs will I send you also, that you may know you are on the path.

6.  You will not defile the purity of love with dishonesty or deceit, for this is adulterous.  I promise you, when you have found God, you shall not commit this adultery.

7.  You shall not take a thing that is not your own, nor cheat, nor connive, nor harm another to have anything, for this would be to steal.  I promise you, when you have found God, you shall not steal.

Nor shall you…

8. Say a thing that is not true, and thus bear false witness.

Nor shall you…

9.  Covet your neighbor’s spouse, for why would you want your neighbor’s spouse when you know all others are your spouse?

10.  Covet your neighbor’s goods, for why would you want your neighbor’s goods when you know that all goods can be yours, and all your goods belong to the world?

Reference~ Conversations With God,  Neale Walsch

Gems of the Past

clutching the memory
of us
in my two hands
i struggle to let go
the present
grips me in pain
as my mind
forces me to relive
the history of you and i
my heart
accounting it
as a treasure 

When the Mind Slips

Oh Beloved, may I never 
leave God or heaven 
for when my thoughts 
are on you, I am in heaven 
but if there is a slip 
on my part, I am in hell

Ask Yourself

darling,
don't you
deserve
a love
that feels
like a heaven
than a love
that keeps
you in a hell?

My Spiritual Attack: The 9 Reasons for Demonic Attacks

From Journal Entry: 9/8/18

I am lying in bed trying to fall asleep. I can sense something in the room with me and it is evil. I am under attack and feel this thing on top of me as weight. I repeat the name, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." I keep saying his name until this thing releases it's hold on me. 

It's been twenty years since I have been under spiritual attack like this. I think this time it was a spirit of harassment. During my divorce, the enemy attacked my mind and my body. I believe this was the final test of the enemy and the power to overcome the demon was in the name Jesus.  Here are the nine reasons why someone is under spiritual attack: 

1. The enemy is harassing you. You've done nothing wrong.

2. Fear operating in you or your family line.

3. Your family's or yours are involved in the occult. This will draw spirits to you.

4. Extremely hateful people draw these things to their home and family. Their meanness effects the house.

5. Something traumatic happened on the property or in the bedroom (sexual abuse or domestic violence).

6. Occult books, materials, cursed objects, etc. can draw spirits to you. You can not serve two masters.

7. A spirit of grief. Not giving up your loved ones to God. We are to grieve our loved ones and release them to the Lord. When not healed, the enemy latches on to it and torments you.

8. Places where murder takes place.

9. Spirits at night sent by former lovers who won't let you go.

Psalm 91:5 You shall not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day.

Reference~ Apostle Ivory Hopkins, Reasons Why People are Spiritually Attacked at Night:
https://youtu.be/zAt-oe5yGCs

The Lover or the Warrior

it took a man  
to trample on her heart
a man 
to tell her to be less 
than the woman she is 
a man 
to beat down all her dreams 
for her to see through all the bullshit
and remember who she is:
your worst nightmare
or your greatest dream

Self Defense

the broken woman
is the one
who possesses
a soul
of a lion
she is capable
of defending herself