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My mother, after my parents separated, became very bitter and angry. It was around the age of eight, that things seemed to spiral downwards into a dark abyss. Without my dad there, my grandmother intruded more on our daily lives, dictating everything we did and how we did it. My mother often fought with her as she tried to maintain some control in her own household. Being a single parent with twins was more than she could manage. Feelings of isolation and helplessness only compounded her mental illness.
Sadly, most of my memories of my mother are not good ones. Often I'd be the target of her blood cursing screams. She often would tell me, " I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" Or, "I wish you were never born!"
Those verbal attacks frightened me so. It was as if I could feel the air around me get heavier and evil lurking within it. I got into the habit of locking my bedroom door at night when I went to bed- afraid she would act out her threat.
Mental illness can take many forms. Often children are the victims of a parent's mental illness. Not to my knowledge has my mother ever been treated or diagnosed for bipolarism, and/or schizophrenia. All the signs were there from her rapid changing moods, pacing back and forth, rehearsing conversations out loud, inability to cope with minor problems.
It deeply saddens me that I couldn't do anything to help her. Even though I was just a kid and didn't understand how frightening her reality must of been. As a daughter I still want to make it all better. I feel guilt for never bonding with my mother, but I also feel blessed to have learned such valuable spiritual lessons.
The harsh environment was a catalyst for my spiritual yearning. Rumi does remind us, "Severity polishes the soul." My soul is still being polished by the harshness of this world. And like Rumi, I liken my body as a guesthouse to all the sorrow, pain, joy, and love that enters it.
Note to reader~ In my book, Stringing Beads: Making a Beautiful Life Moment by Moment, I recount my parents divorce.
Sadly, most of my memories of my mother are not good ones. Often I'd be the target of her blood cursing screams. She often would tell me, " I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" Or, "I wish you were never born!"
Those verbal attacks frightened me so. It was as if I could feel the air around me get heavier and evil lurking within it. I got into the habit of locking my bedroom door at night when I went to bed- afraid she would act out her threat.
Mental illness can take many forms. Often children are the victims of a parent's mental illness. Not to my knowledge has my mother ever been treated or diagnosed for bipolarism, and/or schizophrenia. All the signs were there from her rapid changing moods, pacing back and forth, rehearsing conversations out loud, inability to cope with minor problems.
It deeply saddens me that I couldn't do anything to help her. Even though I was just a kid and didn't understand how frightening her reality must of been. As a daughter I still want to make it all better. I feel guilt for never bonding with my mother, but I also feel blessed to have learned such valuable spiritual lessons.
The harsh environment was a catalyst for my spiritual yearning. Rumi does remind us, "Severity polishes the soul." My soul is still being polished by the harshness of this world. And like Rumi, I liken my body as a guesthouse to all the sorrow, pain, joy, and love that enters it.
Note to reader~ In my book, Stringing Beads: Making a Beautiful Life Moment by Moment, I recount my parents divorce.
