On the pathway into deep intimacy, there are many challenges that must be navigated.
One of these is the presence of avoidance.
“That’s them, not me”… I can already hear those who err on the side of more anxiety, cry.
For those who believe, who yearn, who ache for love and connection and enduring relationships, the notion of avoidance is one that is externalised to ‘them’, those we are trying to love, who somehow despite whatever we do, won’t give us what we want.
However there is a much more confronting reality…
Avoidance is present in pretty much all of us.
Anxious attachment is a form of avoidance… as the self-contorting, self-abandoning, volatile nature of this attachment style actually impedes rather than fosters intimacy.
Trying to make it work with unsuitable partners is a form of avoidance.
Fantasising about and pursuing unavailable others is a form of avoidance.
Keeping an eye out always for greener pastures, for that perfect and most ideal one, is a form of avoidance.
Some of these might be somewhat obvious, yet there are much more subtle forms of avoidance, present to those who are in relationship, who are attempting to go deep, who are exploring love.
Anytime we let our triggers control us, that we allow conflict to pervade and occupy the space of love, we are avoiding intimacy.
Anytime we blame our partner and externalise issues as their fault, we are in avoidance.
Avoidance = a lack of self-responsibility for the depth of intimacy we are experiencing.
Of course it’s more complex than this, because intimacy requires an-other… and requires incredible surrender to the truth that we can never ever manage to control another to give us the experience we desire.
The antidote to avoidance is commitment.
Commitment, as I believe it, is so much more than the “I love you’s”… it’s more than the “we are in a monogamous relationship”… it’s more than marriage…
Commitment to intimacy is a commitment to consciousness.
It is a commitment to the crucible of evolution, the burning away of illusion, and to excavate the wellsprings of love that exists in all of us.
The other person, this person we are relating with or want to relate with or one day will relate with… they are simply an avatar of divinity and an opportunity to commit deeply to live, to love, to intimacy.
As we burn through our avoidance, and embrace the gift of commitment… then, and only then…
We may begin to experience Devotion.
To live as one truly in Love with Life.
~Damien Bohler