From Journal Entry 8/20/2017
My daughter rushes in the house and hands me the mail. There are three letters from you. The envelopes were decorated in large cursive letters in pencil. I opened one letter and I saw your name. After seeing your name I collapsed on the floor. I was in shock, disbelief, and overwhelmed with emotions. Tears flow knowing that I finally have heard from you.
I've grown tired of waiting on you to
reach out to me. I've spent so many years hoping you'd tell me how you feel.
Then I have a dream that feels so real, even more real than the life I'm
living, and all those feelings come rushing back. For days after I am a wreck,
a mess, trying my best just to get through my restless nights. I have to talk myself down off the
ledge of self-pity and self-destruction. I have grown tired of the power I let
you have over me. The battle continues after such dreams of you. Then after
finding my balance again, sometimes days or weeks later, peace is restored in
my soul again. You'd think after never hearing from you I'd be free to love
again, loving someone that is capable of loving me back. You'd think that I am
over you and moving forward would be easy. The problem isn't your silence. The
problem is the promising dreams I have of you that cause me such grief in my
life. But I won't torture you like you torture me. I will tell you the thoughts
in my head and you will know that you were always loved. #TheDeathOfMe
