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I knew I had to close this chapter, when I realized that me having a good or bad day was determined by your mood. That the peace I was chasing could never come, as long as I stayed in the vicious cycle of trying to soften everything around you, so that when you flew off the handle, all the sharp edges had somewhere to land. I spent so much time bracing myself against your volatile ways, hoping to bring some calm to a chaos that didn’t even belong to me. And the price I paid for that was high. It was me. It cost me myself. I lost myself from running behind you for so long, trying to shield you from everything I knew would pull the pin from the grenade of you. I’m done. I have to be done if I ever want peace for myself. I have to be done to save myself. Finally done taking cover, no longer trying to fight a battle that’s not mine to win or lose. I didn’t sign up for war, but somehow, in my search for peace, I walked straight onto the battle ground of you and suited up, like a good soldier does. The burden and the backlash weigh the same, both too heavy for me to carry and still make it out in one piece. I’m leaving this war, this ever lasting storm of you that has taken so much from me. I’m off to search for peace. I hope you find it one day for yourself. I need a quiet road, one that doesn’t require me to brace for the impact of when the sky may fall out into a storm I knew was coming.
I need to be free. I need to be me again, and find out exactly who that is without you.
-Stephanie Bennett-Henry
